On Monday evening, I visited the psychological station of the Universitätsklinik.
It is a nice place. Everything is clean, but it doesn’t feel like a clinic. Everything is kept in warm colors and I think I could feel quite comfortable there.
There were 10 girls and 1 guy between the ages of 16 to 30. They were really nice and open and we had a pleasant conversation.
However, there is a huge factor that makes me doubt that this is the right place for me to get healthy.
All of the patients critically underweight. Now, I AM skinny, but definitel not in that dimension.
I have never felt so ashamed then when I walked into this room full of girls who are so much skinner than I am saying that I am here to be treated for anorexia. I felt FAT, and, without a shadow of a doubt, when you look at them and then at me, I look big.
Talking to these girls, listening to their stories, looking at them, I felt like a pretender.
How can I
I do not know if this is the right environment for me. I wish there was at least one girl like me; a girl with a combination of eating disorders and not strictly anorexia, a girl whose BMI is not 15 but 17 or 18.
I am scared that my mind will do the opposite and that I will stop eating entirely because all I see are girls who weigh at least 10-15 kg less than me.
Am I being too critical? I don`t know. I just felt really ashamed.
I still have no upadte on WHEN I could start therapy (and this is starting to annoy me; nobody seems to know how long the waiting list is.)
The location of the clinic is, of course, perfect, but my feelings are biased.
I am waiting for my doctor to call me with more information. Maybe I will feel better once I know a bit more.
In the meantime I will look at other clinics and see what they have to offer.