I had totally forgotten about this blog post I wrote on the 1st evening in Yaoundé.
I wrote it after watching “The Black Swan” while we were relaxing for a couple of hours and will just post it now – more than 3 weeks after I wrote it… But it doesn’t matter since the feelings and the anxiety is still omnipresent.
Here it is:
I feel trapped; trapped in this body that just keeps getting bigger and bigger, despite all my efforts.
Trapped with this mindset that makes me think I am constantly, second by second, gaining weight.
Trapped with this brain that does not ever allow me to enjoy anything, anything at all.
Trapped in a situation that seems impossible. No matter which way I will choose, I will not be able to enjoy anything.
If I choose to gain weight, I will feel ugly; will not be able to look at myself anymore, will despise myself, will not enjoy a moment of this vacation.
If I choose to not eat, I will not enjoy a single time at a restaurant or café; although, I know I won’t enjoy it either if I decide to do what everybody else does. My mind ever stops worrying, never stops being guilty, never stops making me feel despicable. Not one single moment. It never relaxes.
My husband came in while I was eating a bag of candy feeling horrible with every single piece I ate and despising myself for eating it but not being able to stop. He entered the room and told me that I was standing there entranced enjoying what I ate. Oh no, I was not enjoying a single bite, not at all. It was the complete and entire opposite. But I could not stop.
I should be excited about this unimaginable adventure that we are embarking on, but ALL I can think about is my body and my weight.
I hate it. I am trapped and I can’t get OOOOOOUT.
P.S. Since I wrote this blog post, I have gained 4.5 kilos, which was necessary for my health and (which my gynecologist told me in round terms last week) for survival. However, the time frame was too short for my mind to be able to cope with it.