* 1. I want to have children.
If I don’t eat enough, I don’t have my menstrual cycle and therefor I won’t be able to have children. I have always dreamed of being a mom and this was my number one reason for wanting to recover.
2. Life is too precious.
Now that I have had the chance to experience the freedom of letting go off most of my eating disordered behavior, I cannot imagine ever going back. Life is so incredibly fund and full of opportunities and I don’t want to die and miss them.
3. I want to experience feelings, both good and bad.
When I was in my darkest anorexic phase, the only feeling I knew was agony. Now, I know what happiness feels like and what it’s like to be at peace. I don’t achieve these mental states all the time, but when I do, it’s incredible and therefor more than worth to fight.
4. I don’t want to give calories and the scale power over me.
Calories and scales have ruled over my life for way too long. How belittling and ridiculous is it to give things like this so much space and power? I am done with that and I will never again count calories or own a scale. Life is more than that.
5. I want to be a better wife, daughter and sister.
When you’re caught in the vicious cycle of anorexia, all you think about is yourself, at least that’s what it was like for me. I had no energy and therefor sucked at being a wife. I also didn’t really listen to anything other’s told me about and instead constantly counted calories or thought about how much I had to exercise when this conversation was finally over. Now that I don’t spend all my time at the gym, my relationship with my husband is a lot better and I can give him so much more than ever before.
6. I want to use my gifts and talents
Since I’ve started my road to health, I have uncovered a lot of hidden talents and gifts and I’ve been creating a lot of things that I am proud of in the last few months. I would have never done that had I still been so sick and had I still wasted all my energy and thoughts on eating disorder related stuff.
The amount of energy I have now compared to a year ago is incredible. There’s no replacement for the nutritious effect of food on your body and the more you eat the more energy you have and the more you can do, create and love.
8. I deserve to eat, live and love too
I always thought that I only deserved to exist if I was as skinny as possible. Otherwise, I’d be judged and hated. Well, now I know that this is not true and I deserve to be here just like everybody else.
When you’re eating disordered, everything feels like you’re incarcerated. You live in a prison built by yourself and there’s seemingly no way out. Well, step by step I found my way to freedom and I don’t want to lose it again. Ever. This feeling is just too great to ever give up.
10. I want to have the peace of mind
I am not there yet, but I know that one day I will wake up and just go about my day without giving food another thought until I am hungry. I don’t want to plan my meals and simply eat whenever my body is telling me it’s time. I want to focus entirely on my life’s work and I want to give this all my attention, energy and time.
Anorexia kept me alive for a while. It was a crutch I could use during the hardest years of my life (so far), but now it’s time to finally start living. Having a kilogram more or less won’t ever stop me from doing that again.
What are YOUR reasons for fighting or staying recovered?
*I am participating in the first ever Hungry For Change Blogger Challenge. Throughout the entire month of May, I’ll write one post a day all about the topic of eating disorders.