Today is the day of my 2nd session with the doctor at the Universitätsklinik. We will talk about my treatment plan. I cannot wait to hear her thoughts and suggestions. At the same time I am super nervous and feel a bit queasy.
However, the last week has shown me once again how serious my “condition” has gotten. I am constantly dizzy, either cannot eat a thing or I lose control and have horrible eating attacks where I eat ridiculous amounts of money, totally irrational.
I have tried to work out regularly again, just for an hour, but it is not working. Not at all. I have no idea how I did that last semester. Now, my heart is racing on the way to the gym and I can hardly breathe. How have I endured this only 3 months ago? I would have never imagined how fast everything is going down now.
I have seen pictures of myself of the day in December when I had to stop and I look like a skeleton. The crazy thing is that everything within me wants to go back to having those skinny, bony arms and legs, the gaunt face and hole that was my stomach… I know how much I suffered during this time, but I am yearning for my strength. Where did it go? Where is my self-discipline hiding?
But I have to realize that it is only possible for me to study successfully when I EAT. By now, I don’t even have the energy to concentrate on studying Vocabulary or Grammar. Things that came to me so very easily all my life. It is alos difficult for me to be organized, to remember what I have to do or to work in a structured manner. And THIS is defnititely not typical for me. I am only 1.5 weeks into this semester and I am already hopelessly behind.
However, when I think back of the way I looked when I was still “functioning correctly” meaning that I could at least graduate and could handle the stress, I weighed a lot more than I do even now. I guess that learning how to eat regularly again is the first step I have to take. It will take a much longer time to work on not having a bad conscience when I put food in my mouth.
In our first session, the doctor asked me whether I sometimes have a bad conscience for taking a breath. And you know what, while I don’t have a bad conscience for breathing, I definitely feel and have often felt guilty for BEING. That, too, is part of the problem.
But there is hope! 5 more hours…
Today is the day