A few weeks ago, I FINALLY admitted to myself and to the people around me that I have an eating disorder and that I have had it for about 14 years or so.
It is a shameful thing to admit.
There are different causes of anorexia. I never thought that I looked too fat or wanted to be a model or anything in that direction. I have just always been terribly scared of not being accepted for who I am.
My weight is what defines me. It is who I am. I am thinking about what food and exercise 24/7 and have been doing that for more than a decade. I worry about it every second of the day.
Like I said, my goal has never been to be skinny because I thought that it looked nice. Being skinny is just the result of trying to prove my body wrong, of trying to be as strict with myself as I possibly can, of trying to show my family that I was good at one thing:staying in shape.
But I am exhausted. It has gone too far. I can`t live like that anymore.
I can honestly tell you that I cannot remember EVER enjoying a single meal WITHOUT thinking of the consequences, without thinking about a way to get rid of it. It is a prison and I just now realized that this isn`t normal, that it cannot be the way to live life.
I need help. I need it fast. I know that now.
It is time to start the battle against my eating disorder.