Recovery: What does Change have to do with it?

by Anne-Sophie

in Inspiration

Recovery is all about change, isn’t it? You have to change your entire life in order to recover from your eating disorder.

It’s scary. It’s new. It’s difficult. It’s something nobody wants to do.

But it’s the only way out. The only way forward.

To be quite honest, I’ve had a very difficult week. My hubby and I celebrated our 2-year email anniversary on Monday with a big yummy lunch at a beautiful place near Zurich.

It was delicious, but I’ve been struggling with the aftermath the entire week.

I’ve felt guilty, fat, disgusting, like a pig. My pants felt tight, my belly huge, my face fat (all of it imaginary, just to make sure you understand!), my self-worth gone.

I restricted, then fell back, restricted again, fell back again. Overexercised. Relented. Overexercised again. Relented once more.

And here I am. It’s Friday evening. I haven’t done anything today, nor yesterday. Well, nothing productive anyway. Emails didn’t get answered (actually not for several weeks now). Blog posts didn’t get written. Books didn’t get turned into Kindle versions. Life was put on hold.

What does this have to do with change?

Well, stay with me, OK?

This afternoon I had a meeting with the President of the Swiss Network for Eating Disorders. That’s when it hit me. I had changed. I had come a long, long way in the past year. I have grown into a young woman with a purpose, an agenda, a mission. I didn’t have to engage in eating disordered behavior anymore in order to fill my empty life.

My life was already filled with excitement, purpose and work that needed to be done. A pound extra on my hips (imaginary as it is) wouldn’t take all of that away.

I had changed. I had grown. I had evolved.

Do you know what the best part is?

You can change too!

You just have to want it really, really, really bad. And I know that you do!

Well, that’s all good, but what does change mean practically? How does it affect my life?

Let me give you a few hints on what change really means (at least for me):

Change means…

never giving up.

always evolving.

throwing away the old and accepting the new.

taking on new challenges.

letting go of that old pair of jeans and buying yourself a new one (which I’ll have to do! Wish me luck!!!)

being excited about the uncertainty.

not fearing what’s ahead.

letting go of the known.

fighting for your future.

going with the flow.

tapping into what scares you the most.

excitement.

looking the beast that lives inside yourself in the eyes, staring it down, telling it that it doesn’t have any power over you anymore.

wanting to live.

putting on a few pounds and accepting yourself that way.

not thinking your worth is tied to your weight.

loving yourself for who you are.

embracing your body for what it is.

eating.

starting.

stopping.

going.

never giving up.

living.

What does change mean to you?

How do you view change in the eyes of recovery?

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Be Inspired! June 1, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Change in recovery hurts! You know you need it so badly, you know everyone around you knows and sees, too. And yet, it hurts so badly and so just don’t want to. Intelligent, beautiful, sweet… yet you don’t want to eat.

But slowly, you do eat. Almost against you will, secretly from the anorexia mind. Then a tough path, and you go back into restricting. Then come out. You realize you went back less than before. This continues, and slowly you come out.

A slow process out of something that could have killed. In my heart I know – I do want to live.

Reply

Anne-Sophie June 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

Hi Susa,

yes, change hurts and it is so hard to push through it. You have said it beautifully. The more you try, the more you walk on the road of recovery, the more change you will see, even if it sometimes feels like you’re walking backwards.

It is a process, but if you want to live, you have to go through it.

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Ella June 2, 2012 at 8:50 am

Oh I know this feeling very well. You think “yes, I´ve made it” and then…you regret it for a very long time – when I think about that it´s so stupid, but the ed makes it stronger than you think. I adore you – you have made it

Reply

Anne-Sophie June 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

Hi Ella,

yes, Ed can make you regret way too many GOOD things. But it gets easier over time. It really does. You experience that the world does not end when you eat a bit more. You realize that even if you wear a jeans that is a size bigger, you’ll live and people will still love you. You make many new discoveries and notice that life does not have to be about Ed, but about living and being excited to do so.

You will make it too.

Reply

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