5 Words on My Experience with Anorexia:
I cannot describe those 14 years in other words but misery. I was miserable from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. Everything felt worthless. Life seemed to be about agony. I couldn’t see what other people found so worth-wile about it. i just wanted out.
There is hardly a lonelier place than living with an eating disorder. You feel like nobody understands you. You have no friends. You have secrets that you’re ashamed of. You may even be extremely depressed. The deeper you walk down the road of an eating disorder, the lonelier it gets.
I was scared of everything and I really mean everything. School, people, life, homework, exams, teachers, food, exercise, failure. The only place I felt save was in my room. Alone.
I mean both the emotional and the physical weakness. There’s not a lot you can take. You are so worked up all the time that you are emotionally extremely instable. The physical weakness was what drove me insane. The fatigue, the dizziness, the legs that seemed to give in any moment. It was a horrible prison to live in.
The mental terror you’re under is the worst. All these vicious things you’re eating disorder is telling you make you want to die. It’s hard not to believe you’re fat when that is all you hear all day long. It’s destructive to count your calories over and over and over again, yet this is all you can do.
5 Words on My Experience with Hunger:
Other than feeling miserable, you don’t really have emotions when you’re in a relationship with an eating disorder. Everything feels numb. When you finally recover, it’s like you wake up from a long dream/nightmare. You suddenly start to reawaken your senses and all the feelings you’ve tried to avoid arise again. I loved being able to feel joy again. I loved being happy again. I even enjoyed a few moments of sadness. It’s a completely different life.
I am now more stronger than I have ever been, both physically and mentally. I am confident in my abilities and in my skills and I am putting my heart and soul out there to help to make the world a kinder place.
Recovery is about taking away the power from your eating disorder and giving it back to yourself. That’s what I did in the last year and I am in the final stages of claiming complete power and control over my life. Take that, ana bitch!
I was stuck in my childhood, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened in the past. I was also trying to hold on to a body that belongs to a child and not a grown woman. Now that I have let go of those limiting and destructive behaviors and thoughts, I have been able to move forward and build the life that I have always dreamed of.
Part of recovery is forgiving yourself and falling in love with the entire you, body, mind and soul. We all deserve to be loved deeply and intimately and we have to start with ourselves. It is a wonderful place to come to and worth every struggle that you face in recovery.
What are your words for your experience with your eating disorder and recovery?