Nightmares

by Anne-Sophie

in Blog

The last 3 nights were horrible. I hardly slept and when I fell asleep for an hour or tour, I woke terrified and  soaked in sweat. 
In one single therapy session last week, we talked about my brother, then my husband and I went to Germany last weekend because I had an appointment for a manicure and pedicure. 
We had a fantastic Saturday, spent it outside in the sun, then we had a barbecue (well, everybody but me; I just couldn’t eat it) and had planned to watch the Eurovision song contest together (of course just to make fun of it…).
Well, I am sure that you can guess what happened. After about 5 minutes, my brother (who I had no idea that he was even there) came into the living room, sat down and took control of the remote control. The atmosphere in the room changed in a heartbeat. 
I was in shock, paralized, and it took me a few seconds to reigster what had just happened. My HUSBAND, my MOTHER were sitting there with Valerie and I. Who the f**k (sorry) does he think he IS??? He is almost 27 years old and he has NO RESPECT. NONE. 
Valerie was the first to get up and leave. When I snapped out of my state of shock, I followed her, shaking, in a daze and all I could do was hide in my room under my blanket. I know my reaction is EXTREMELY hard to grasp and I wish there was a way to put into words what I was feeling at that moment. 
I lay there, mortified, humiliated, angry, sad and scared. My husband must have held me for hours. The evening was ruined. I fell asleep after a while because of the magnitude of the emotions.

Why am I telling you this? 
Well, ever since that evening, I am having nightmares and daydreams of all the horrible things that my brother did to me. But not only that, I have these feelings of being helpless, alone, defenseless, trapped and abandoned. 

Remnants of a sleepless night.
I KNOW that none of these things are true as everything has changed, but I am haunted by these nightmares and feelings. 
As a result, I can hardly eat, most of the time I stay in bed and read or watch TV. 

I completely underestimated how traumatized I still am. 
What bothers me the most it that I cannot really participate in the A-Z podcasting class because it creates just too much stress at the moment. I have been looking forward to this seminar for such a long time and now I have failed again. 

Most people in my family are insinuating that I am just having a self-pity party, which does not only hurt but also makes me feel like I am even a bigger loser and I already am. 

I hope that those of you who read my blog, believe me when I tell you that I AM DOING MY VERY BEST, that I AM FIGHTING as hard as I can and that I AM NOT MAKING ANYTHING UP. 
I am just being very, very honest. 

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Andreas Reinhardt May 20, 2011 at 11:23 am

I know that you do your very best and fight as hard as you can.

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iandrea May 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Anne,

Oodles of hugs. Hang in there sweety.

Don't beat yourself up about about your emotions and reactions. We all have our reasons for feeling and acting the way we do. We all have a past and that heavily influences how we react and feel about situations.

Some days are easier than others when working through a traumatic experience. That's just part of the process of working through it all. It's ok to be sad and down sometimes, or to even have yourself a little pity party. Just don't allow yourself to stay to long. Life is too short to not enjoy the things and people that make us happy.

I've told you this before, do the best you can as you have been doing this whole time. You're stronger than you think.

xoxo
Andrea :)

Reply

Anne-Sophie (aka. anneso87) June 2, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Thank you for always being there, Andrea. *waves*

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