I cannot believe that it has already been this long.
I have had many ups and downs, weeks that were great and weeks were I
was hardly able to function. However, every single day I am growing stronger and I have the feeling that everything is getting a tiny bit easier the more often I face my problem aka. food.
So much has happened, but at the same time, so little has changed.
Let us talk about the positive developments first.
I am eating regularly for the very first time in over a decade. That means that I eat three meals a day with three snacks in between.
I have started to buy butter and whole milk for the first time in my life and have opted not to eat the fat free or light versions.
I am learning how to cook and what is an adequate portion for me. I am being taught which different components a meal should include to be regarded healthy and balanced.
I am getting better at interacting with other patients and I am opening up to my therapists more and more. I am even starting to ask for help and assistance when I need it without feeling like I am too much of a burden.
These are MAJOR steps for me. 4 weeks ago, I would not have dreamed of being in such a good place. I would have never imagined being able to force myself to eat so much and to not fail at it constantly.
I am not going to lie, it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I am going through hell every single day. Being confronted with your worst anxieties all day long, talking and analyzing the reasons for your disorder, trying to find clues in your past, having to deal with the feelings of losing yourself, of not knowing who you are if you aren’t skinny, is like being trapped in a nightmare without having a chance of waking up.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to keep going and to not give up. But I have such a strong support system (including all of you, without whom I could NEVER do this!)
The “not so positive” news is that I am on the verge of having to leave the clinic next Tuesday, because I am far from meeting the goal of gaining the obligatory 2,8 kg in 4 weeks. I still have 1 week to go though, but it will be incredibly hard work to actually make it. But I WILL NOT GIVE UP.