On Thursday, I had several very emotional, very intense conversations with my counselor, my therapist and other members of the team. I was pleading, telling them, they could not just let me go in the state that I am in right now, with the thoughts that I have and without any help on what to do until they would consider to accept me into the program again. They were firm, they would not let go of their rules, they would not consider any compromise, nothing. Nothing. The helplesness and hopelesness, the terror and anger I felt on this day, was more than I could handle. I was a wreck. Had I been alone, I don’t know what I would have done.
Begging for help and not receiving it, how is that possible???
Well, later that day, we had a scheduled meeting with my husband, my therapist, the doctor and my counselor. Andreas did the same, asking them to help us over and over again, to help us find alternatives, anything that would at least help me get through those 4 weeks without any kind of therapy, without being in a “safe” environment, without professional help. It was like talking to a brick wall.
Both of us understand their rules, we accept them and we know they must have a therapeutical reason. As most of you have pointed out, the goal is for me to heal properly and to be able to live without falling back into my old habits. But right now, I am not at that point yet. I am not ready to do it alone. Not yet. I will be; but it will take time. I have dealt with this disorder for about 13 years and 6 weeks are not enough time for me to be strong enough to go back home for a month and not lose weight again.
I don’t know what it was, what I said, that finally made them see how fragile I am at the moment, how scared of my own thoughts I am and how much I need their help. At this point, we all knew and they had FINALLY admitted that I would never be able to gain those 12 POUNDS in the remaining days, not as a girl with an eating disorder.
They must have seen that I was barely functioning (even though I want to point out that I was and still am eating very regularly, I ate all my 3 big meals and 3 to 4 snacks; so I have at least been able to keep that up!).
They made up their minds and told me that if I agreed to leave the program the next day, if I consented to move to a different ward without having any therapies, but still being surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses, they would accept me into the program again after this brief period of time.
So, on Friday, I packed my stuff and moved.