Freestyle

by Anne-Sophie

in Motivation

In a few short minutes, I’ll head out the door and take a train to visit my sister. I haven’t seen her in a while and I am super excited to spend tonight and tomorrow morning with her.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, the thing is that this is a huge step for me. Not only will I cook with her tonight, but we will also do brunch with our mom tomorrow. You see in the past this would have freaked me out. I would have to up my abuse of laxatives and the night at my sister’s would have been nothing short of a nightmare with cramps and shame.

I would have been extremely tense throughout our conversations and especially during dinner and brunch. My thoughts would not follow the conversation, they’d add up calories over and over again guessing how much that slice of bread or the bowl of noodles had.

Today, however, the situation is completely different.

I am excited about tonight. I am looking forward to brunch tomorrow and I cannot wait to have a girl’s night out with my baby sister. It’s going to be a much needed break of routine and I will enjoy every single moment of it. I’ve been going through the motions, although completely fulfilled for a while now doing the same stuff every single day. I know that that is life and I am not complaining, but I’ve been longing for a break, a tiny occasion to reinvigorate and get a new perspective. I couldn’t have wished for more than to link that with a new challenge in recovery.

I am not scared anymore. I am not filled with eating disordered thoughts. I am not paranoid with the idea that I’ll come home weighing more than before.

I am just thrilled to live like “normal” people.

That’s why recovery is so very awesome!

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Be Inspired! May 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm

How sweet! Yay to freedom! I have had some trickier days with AN recovery, but never will I go back into being madly sick. I just would like the weight gain to end. Maybe it has but… I still fear getting fat if I completely end control.

But tomorrow and today is about you.Go brave girl! You inspire me.
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Anne-Sophie May 13, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Thank you so much, Susa. I had a great time. I am so sorry to hear you’re struggling. I’ve been wondering where you went… If I can do anything, please let me know. Hugs.
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Ella May 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

wow – thats really awesome. I would have many many nightmares… I always need to know what I will eat at the next day. If I don´t know it – and have to fear that something “BIG” will come, I can not sleep…

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Anne-Sophie May 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Ella, I completely understand. I used to do the same. This weekend was amazing and I was so happy that I was able to do it. You will get there, sweetie. I believe in you.
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Susan Bewley May 14, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I remember how great of a feeling it was for me the first time I could cook and eat with friends without letting my eating disorder get in the way. I stressed about it for day, and was finally empowered after the fact. Good for you for being able to take this step. It may not sound like a major dealt to some, but as someone who has been in your shoes, I can tell you, it is a monumental step!
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Anne-Sophie May 15, 2012 at 3:34 am

Susan,

it is an amazing feeling, I agree. It felt so freeing and like you said, empowering. We have to celebrate these milestones and not let them go by unnoticed. It’s always fabulous when you realize how much progress one has made even if it took a long time. Thanks again for stopping by and sharing your awesome inside.

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