I see her getting smaller and smaller. I see her eyes losing all the hope she ones had. I see her mood deteriored.

She beating herself up over having a C in a stupid test. She’s studying like an obsessed person starting while eating breakfast. She doesn’t take breaks, doesn’t eat properly, doesn’t care.

Where is my sister? I am scared. What can I do? I feel helpless.

I’ve tried, haven’t I? I’ve offered her support. I’ve created relaxation practices for her, tried to give her a perspective on her talents, gifts and future life, but she doesn’t listen. Or can’t she?

The years go by and nothing, not a single thing has changed.

Now she’s lying in bed 24/7 while I am going to school. She frustrates me. That has been going on for too long. Too many years of suffering. I want my sister back, the one who dance with me, who was silly with me, laughed with me and didn’t have that tortured look in her eyes. I wish I could force her out of bed and confront her with reality.

She doesn’t care about me, only looks after herself. I need her too. I need my older sister more than ever now. I wish I could make my brother go away in order to make everything good at least once in our lives. I wish I could show her how beautiful she is on the inside and that her body size does not matter at all.

I wish she would grow more confident and become the girl she used to be.

I visited her in college last week and what I saw shook me to the care. I couldn’t help but exclaim at her skeleton-like frame. I tried to talk her into going to a treatment facility. Taking a few months for herself would be life-saving for her, but she’s still not waking up, keeps telling us everything is just fine.

Will she die? What will happen in the future? Will she ever be there for me the way I am trying to be there for her? I am scared and lonely and disappointed at the same time and yet I need to live my own life, go my own way and that’s what I’ll do.

Her visit here in Cameroon was something I had looked forward to for such a long time. I wanted to show her not only my boyfriend, but also where I’ve been living for the past months. Sure, we had fun, but she looks more emaciated than ever before. I had hoped her marriage would change things, but it seems that it’s only gotten worse. I got so frustrated with her when once again all she ate was a bit of vegetables while I wanted to share a pizza with her. Why does this stupid, disgusting eating disorder ruin everything?

Why doesn’t she finally change?

I’ve seen her for the first time since she went into treatment. She doesn’t really look much different, but I am elated that she has finally seen how sick she has been for 14 years. I wish her eating disorder hadn’t ruined her youth, but at least she’s getting help now.

It’s amazing how far she’s come in only a year. Our brunch last week was so much fun and she ate just like my mom and I. I am so glad that this episode is at least much more resolved than ever before and I know that she will never go back. I can see it in her eyes. I have my sister back and what more can I ask for?

It shows that it’s never too late to fight back and that there is always hope.

Changing Places is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Life with an eating disorder is frustrating, hopeless, irritating and full of fear. I never felt optimistic about anything. School scared the heck out of me. Graduation seemed terrifying. Youth was there for adults to humiliate you. Life seemed to be about suffering, worries and constant sadness.

That was my attitude. Those were the effects of what anorexia told me and made me see.

Now I am living each day with an excitement that I had never experienced before. I am up before dawn and work on projects that I am extremely passionate about (an empowering email Newsletter, a book called “Diet for the recovering anorexic”, a Body Image Revolution Class, a book about the benefits of social media on recovery and my lessons of one year of recovery). I can hardly keep up with myself, but I now know that life is incredible. It’s fun. It’s full of possibilities, opportunities and everybody has the power to make a dent in the universe if only we fight hard enough.

Whatever it is your eating disorder is telling you about life. However depressed you feel. Make a leap of faith and just image what life could really look like.

So, here is my question for you tonight:

Think about what you feel pessimistic about, frustrated about or are struggling with, either
now or at some point in the past. What were/are those issues? What stops/stopped you
from making changes? What do you need/ did you need to confront those issues? Can you

make plans to take steps to change? If you have done this, were you able to make
changes? What challenges can you set yourself for the future? (Remember to make them
realistic and achievable!)

I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts (I may even turn them into either a podcast, blog post or a video one day!).

Attitude Makeover is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

You cannot BE FAT.

Fat is a substance and you can’t ever be a substance!

Whenever you feel fat, ask yourself what you are really feeling in this moment.

Scared? Tired? Frustrated? Jealous? Lonely? Anxious? Depressed? Tired?

What is the root cause of your feeling?

I always felt inadequate, lonely, depressed and simply not enough and all of that translated into feeling obnoxiously fat. However, now that I’ve learned that those were just interpretations of the mind, it is so much easier to cope with whatever it is that I am really feeling.

Your body and mind is telling you something when you’re feeling fat. Take a moment for yourself, breathe and figure out what is really going on and if you can be proactive about it and change your situation and emotions.

Have you figured out what you are really feeling when the thought enteres your mind that you are truly really fat? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Fat is NOT a feeling… is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I tried to write this post over and over again, but I always reverted back to one of my all-time favorite songs of Pink.

I have been a fan of her since her very first song, have seen her in concert (which was on of the best concerts I’ve ever had the pleasure to see and I’ve been to uncountable ones) and am in awe of her voice and work.

Pink has carried me through many dark, dark years and I could always relate to her music because her family issues, her struggles, her lyrics hit so close to home.

Her songs remain the most played songs ever in my playlist and I don’t think this will ever change. I must have listened to “Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self” thousands of times sobbing uncontrollably.

Since I am not as genius with words as Pink is, I am just going to post the lyrics, with the disclaimer that reading them rips my heart out because it feels like I was the one putting all of that on page.

You’re angry
I know this
The world couldn’t care less
You’re lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You’re crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won’t always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You’re the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You’re laughing
But you’re hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I’ve been you
And now I’m just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don’t try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you’re not asleep but it’s a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don’t lose your passion or the fighter that’s inside of you
You’re the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Until we meet again
I wish you well
Little girl

It’s not like I was a rebellious kid or my parents were always absent, but I feel the pain of fighting all alone, without hope, pretending you’re fine when you are anything but that.

I so wish I could have reached out to my little me and given her the love, encouragement, hope and SAFETY she so desperately needed.

I wish I could have held her, comforted her and told her that one day, she’ll have am incredible husband, the love of my life obviously, TRUE friends and a purpose in life.

I wish I could have told her to not give up on herself and keep going strong because the future would be full of love, laughter, excitement and a community of people who love her for who she is.

I wish I could have told her that she is changing people’s lives in the small way she can, but that her life will not go by completely unnoticed.

I wish I could have told her that soon, I’d have soul-mates like Winnie, Maggie, who are so similar to how I think and share the same interests.

I wish I could have told her that through Lost, I’d make friends all around the world who have gone on more than one adventure with me and who will forever my near and dear to my heart. The list of names would be too long to mention here, but you know who you are!

I wish I could have told her that through blogging I’d get to know incredible souls like Bernando Medez or Farnoosh Brock (who I share sometimes spookily many similarities with…).

That’s what I’d have written in a letter to my little me.  But I can’t compete with Pink, which is why her words are far more powerful than my own.

A Letter to Little Me is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about Crimes against Clients. I share my personal experience and those of my listeners and readers.

I go into the following points:

• Weight

  There are many patients who experience not being helped because they are not underweight. People can starve themselves even if they are not underweight. It doesn’t mean that those who are underweight are more sick than those who are not. Everybody who eats disorder is in danger.

• Age

  The perception that eating disorders can’t happen to older people is absolutely wrong. If your doctor doesn’t take care of you because you’re not a teenage girl, then see another physician. Everybody deserves to be treated, no matter the age.

• Money

  It is so sad to see that people are still denied treatment because of their financial background. However, there are many ways to receive treatment. Don’t take no for an answer.

• Not Being Taken Seriously

  I wasn’t taken seriously by  a few doctors, including my own father. I think physicians are still not educated enough to see the signs of eating disorders. If you feel like your therapist isn’t listening to you or is thinking you are making stuff up, then look for another one. You don’t have to be belittled. Your professional help should always be understanding and should take your feelings very seriously.

• Being Ridiculed

  My therapist once laughed at me. Yes, he really did. That’s when I gave up on myself. Whatever you are experiencing, if you don’t completely trust your therapist or doctor or if you feel you cannot tell them what is really on your mind, then the therapy process will be extremely difficult. You should always be confident that your doctor has your back.

• Gender

  As I shared in last week’s episode, men are treated especially bad because of the stigma surrounding eating disorders.

It is up to us to change the dialogue and make people aware of what it is they should and can expect from their physician. Don’t let them walk all over you. You are the one who needs help and you deserve to get it.

What crimes have you experienced in the past or maybe even the present?

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

048 Fighting Anorexia – Crimes Against Clients. is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

There are three people that come to mind when I think of role models: my sister, my husband and Portia de Rossi.

Let me explain…

My sister has always, always been my biggest rock, my soul mate and the girl I looked up to despite her being three years younger than me. I love her drive, her confidence, her ability to embrace life in ways I thought I never could. Spending the weekend with her has shown me yet again how wonderful she is. She was there in the darkest hours of my life, never ever turning against me, but trying to help me in every way she could. I love her to pieces and hope that one day I will be at least half as compassionate, loving and kind as she is.

My husband is a role model when it comes to changing your relationship with food and your body. You see, when I met my husband, he was a very, very extreme eater as well. He didn’t touch carbs, had a body of a man half his age, worked out radically and basically drove me (unwillingly, of course) to go even deeper into my anorexic behaviors. However, once I opened up to him and started telling him how desperate I was to get help, he changed his habits in order to help me get out of that hell.

I will forever be grateful to him for doing that for me and showing that yes, it is possible to change and it is OK to eat whatever you like without being judged.

Portia de Rossi was the one who opened my eyes that I needed help. I read her book in the fall of 2010, sobbing all the way through. I could relate to almost everything she was saying and it was as if she was reading my mind. Her story gave me hope and it was then that I knew for the very first time that I had a very serious illness and needed to make a change.

It’s important to have role models in your life. It’s important to let yourself be inspired. You won’t be able to move forward in recovery unless you see that somebody else has already achieved whatever it is you are yearning to do.

How about you? Do you have role models too?

Role Model Roll Call is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In a few short minutes, I’ll head out the door and take a train to visit my sister. I haven’t seen her in a while and I am super excited to spend tonight and tomorrow morning with her.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, the thing is that this is a huge step for me. Not only will I cook with her tonight, but we will also do brunch with our mom tomorrow. You see in the past this would have freaked me out. I would have to up my abuse of laxatives and the night at my sister’s would have been nothing short of a nightmare with cramps and shame.

I would have been extremely tense throughout our conversations and especially during dinner and brunch. My thoughts would not follow the conversation, they’d add up calories over and over again guessing how much that slice of bread or the bowl of noodles had.

Today, however, the situation is completely different.

I am excited about tonight. I am looking forward to brunch tomorrow and I cannot wait to have a girl’s night out with my baby sister. It’s going to be a much needed break of routine and I will enjoy every single moment of it.

That’s why recovery is so very awesome!

Freestyle is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Your eating disorder is not your friend. Your eating disorder is your worst enemy. No matter what Ed/Ana/Mia tells you, it’s a lie. Eating disorders are inherently belittling, deceiving, mean creatures.

They promise you that everything will get better if you only listen to their sweet words, but in reality everything gets worse if you follow their path.

They paint a picture of perfection, glory and accomplishment that goes far beyond what every other human being can achieve. They make you feel superior. They more you feel in control. They make you cope with life.

What they don’t tell you is that there is not a nugget of truth in what they say.

They don’t tell you about the misery. They don’t tell you about death. They don’t tell you about the loneliness. They don’t tell you about all the horrible consequences of starving yourself.

They do not tell the truth.

Don’t believe what is going on in your head.

Claim your spot again.

Claim your voice.

Take over YOUR LIFE again.

Stop listening to the toxic voice of your eating disorder.

Life can be great. Life can be fun. Life can be lived without obsessing over calories and weight. It’s up to you to make that a reality.

You have the power. You have the strength. You can STOP the relationship with your eating disorder.

I believe in you.

I know you are brilliant.

I know you are kind.

I know you have a lot to offer the world.

It’s time you start believing that too.

I want you to understand that… is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

5 Words on My Experience with Anorexia:

Misery

I cannot describe those 14 years in other words but misery. I was miserable from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. Everything felt worthless. Life seemed to be about agony. I couldn’t see what other people found so worth-wile about it. i just wanted out.

Loneliness

There is hardly a lonelier place than living with an eating disorder. You feel like nobody understands you. You have no friends. You have secrets that you’re ashamed of. You may even be extremely depressed. The deeper you walk down the road of an eating disorder, the lonelier it gets.

Fear

I was scared of everything and I really mean everything. School, people, life, homework, exams, teachers, food, exercise, failure. The only place I felt save was in my room. Alone.

Weakness

I mean both the emotional and the physical weakness. There’s not a lot you can take. You are so worked up all the time that you are emotionally extremely instable. The physical weakness was what drove me insane. The fatigue, the dizziness, the legs that seemed to give in any moment. It was a horrible prison to live in.

Terror

The mental terror you’re under is the worst. All these vicious things you’re eating disorder is telling you make you want to die. It’s hard not to believe you’re fat when that is all you hear all day long. It’s destructive to count your calories over and over and over again, yet this is all you can do.

5 Words on My Experience with Hunger:

Emotions

Other than feeling miserable, you don’t really have emotions when you’re in a relationship with an eating disorder. Everything feels numb. When you finally recover, it’s like you wake up from a long dream/nightmare. You suddenly start to reawaken your senses and all the feelings you’ve tried to avoid arise again. I loved being able to feel joy again. I loved being happy again. I even enjoyed a few moments of sadness. It’s a completely different life.

Strength

I am now more stronger than I have ever been, both physically and mentally. I am confident in my abilities and in my skills and I am putting my heart and soul out there to help to make the world a kinder place.

Power

Recovery is about taking away the power from your eating disorder and giving it back to yourself. That’s what I did in the last year and I am in the final stages of claiming complete power and control over my life. Take that, ana bitch!

Forward-Movement

I was stuck in my childhood, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened in the past. I was also trying to hold on to a body that belongs to a child and not a grown woman. Now that I have let go of those limiting and destructive behaviors and thoughts, I have been able to move forward and build the life that I have always dreamed of.

Self-Love

Part of recovery is forgiving yourself and falling in love with the entire you, body, mind and soul. We all deserve to be loved deeply and intimately and we have to start with ourselves. It is a wonderful place to come to and worth every struggle that you face in recovery.

What are your words for your experience with your eating disorder and recovery?

Only Words? is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Being different is the essence of this world. There’s hardly anything that fascinates me more than looking at different cultures and races. I love seeing the rituals that people in Africa still follow. I love looking at traits Asian people seem to have in common. I even like to see similarities between family members. But seeing how different each and every one of us is, no matter the family or culture we grow up in, makes my heart beat with glee.

Yes, there are things we all share, but there is so much more that is unique to us. Nobody has my body. Nobody has my style. Nobody has my eyes. Nobody has my taste in music. It’s unique to me, myself and I.

Of course we are all brainwashed into wanting to look just like a supermodel. But wouldn’t the world be a super boring place if that were the case? Wouldn’t the fun of meeting different people with different stories and different experiences be completely negated?

It’s time that we stand up for ourselves and claim our uniqueness. We are all perfect. We are all beautiful. We are all different. That is something worth celebrating, don’t you think?

Vive La Difference! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

*
*I am participating in the first ever Hungry For Change Blogger Challenge. Throughout the entire month of May, I’ll write one post a day all about the topic of eating disorders.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share my view on how difficult it is for men to admit they have an eating disorder and how they must feel in this world where being skinny seems to be the greatest accomplishment in life.

Here is the interview with Benjamin that I spoke about.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

047 Fighting Anorexia – Forgotten Brothers is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

What do we need from our doctors when anorexia or any other eating disorder is threatening our health and possibly our lives?

This topic is a difficult one for me. Why? Well, the medical professional who should have looked after me was my father and he neglected to help me the entire time. Thinking about that today brought up a number of conflicting emotions. Was he too close to see what was happening? Was he helpless? Was he not educated enough?

Whatever the reason, he didn’t give me the help that I needed so very much.

So, the number one answer to this question is a single word long: HELP.

When we go to see a doctor, we’re already terrified or so deeply affected by an eating disorder that we need to doctor, be it a mental health or general professional, to take control and start to act for us.

I think that most general physicians still don’t know how to handle people with eating disorders and are inadequate to see signs that suggest they need help.

Often times, we keep our eating disorders a secret for way too long and wait to get help until we almost hit rock bottom. I wish more physicians saw the early signs and had the information needed to get a patient the treatment he or she needed.

Another wish I have towards physicians and therapists is to take us and our problems seriously. My therapist ones laughed me in the face because of something I said. Granted, it may have sounded ridiculous to him but for me the fact that I was “wasting calories” when eating something I didn’t want to eat was a major problem.

He should have known better than to ridicule this.

The last thing we all need is compassion. When you’re in recovery from an eating disorder, you’re in a very vulnerable place. The more compassion we get, the stronger we become and the more chances we have to heal.

What is it that you need from the medical professionals that treat you?

Doctor Doctor is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Since today is body appreciation day, I dug up an old blog post of mine that I wrote on Thanksgiving last year. Here’s what I had to say:

In the last 14 years, I spent an uncountable amount of hours staring at myself in the mirror, looking for imaginary fat or checking if one could see any changes from one day to another. Once or twice a day, I would measure myself to see if I had lost or gained a millimeter. I stepped on the scale so often that I will never have the urge to repeat this task.

However, despite focusing so much energy and time on these things, I never paid much attention to the body itself. That might sound contradictory, but it is true. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see my body for what it was, all I saw was whether I had controlled myself enough or whether I had failed. It wasn’t about my body, it was all about my mind.
So, in order to please my mind, I abused my body in ways that are beyond comprehension.

Yet, as I started to heal my mind, I started to heal my body as well. And today I can look in the mirror, appreciate what I see and even have a feeling of gratefulness.

I now understand that my body is a part of me. It is my base. No other person in this world has this shape. It was, is and will forever be only mine. I am unique and I am built exactly the way that I am supposed to be.

Now that I am strong and healthy again, this base enables me to do the most fascinatingly ordinary things and I love it.

Because of my body, I can walk across a meadow on a sunny day feeling the grass under my feet.

Because of my body, I am able ride my bike across town.

Because of my body, I can begin to try the craziest yoga Asanas.

Because of my body, I can dance Zumba and have a blast doing it.

Because of my body, I can chase my beautiful, sweet goddaughter around the house, laughing until I cry.

Now, this might sound very basic to you and I guess you may have a point. But have you ever truly, honestly sat back and thanked your body for what it does for you?

If not, then do that today and think about it today and appreciate your body for letting you live.

Body Appreciation Day is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Eating disorders destroy.

They don’t help you. They don’t heal you. They don’t make anything better. They only destroy. They hurt. They find their way into your life and hold you imprisoned, making you believe all kinds of lies and misrepresentations. They destroy your body, your relationships, your health and your life. There is nothing, nothing, good about them.

Recovery: Yes, you can!

Okay, okay, this may be cheesy, but it is true and hard to forget. You can do this. You can beat this. You can take away all the power that your eating disorder has and give it back to whom it belongs to: YOU. Yes, you can. I believe in you. Do you?

Eating Disorder and Recovery Slogans is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

* I love the idea of creating your own recovery mascot. I thought long about what would represent my way to health for me. Would it be human or an animal? Real or fictional? What would it stand for exactly?

Then one thought popped into my head: our inner child.

I have come to understand that recovery is all about developing a deep love for yourself. You can’t ever fully recover if you don’t accept yourself for who you are with all your characteristics, flaws and strengths.

When you come from a place of hatred for yourself and your body, it’s not an easy way to get to a point of love. However, envisioning yourself as an innocent child who needs your love and affection helps tremendously.

Would you deliberately hurt a child?

Would you starve a child?

Would you hate a child?

Would you belittle a child because of his or her natural body shape?

Would you label a child as good or bad because of what he or she eats?

Would you tell a child that he or she is worthless?

Would you judge a child as critically as you do yourself?

I know all of you are incredibly kind people, so no, you obviously wouldn’t do any of that.

Why are you doing it to yourself then?

Think of your inner child and treat yourself the way you would treat that small person. You deserve it!

*I am participating in the first ever Hungry For Change Blogger Challenge. Throughout the entire month of May, I’ll write one post a day all about the topic of eating disorders.

My Recovery Mascot is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

* 1. I want to have children.

If I don’t eat enough, I don’t have my menstrual cycle and therefor I won’t be able to have children. I have always dreamed of being a mom and this was my number one reason for wanting to recover.

2. Life is too precious.

Now that I have had the chance to experience the freedom of letting go off most of my eating disordered behavior, I cannot imagine ever going back. Life is so incredibly fund and full of opportunities and I don’t want to die and miss them.

3. I want to experience feelings, both good and bad.

When I was in my darkest anorexic phase, the only feeling I knew was agony. Now, I know what happiness feels like and what it’s like to be at peace. I don’t achieve these mental states all the time, but when I do, it’s incredible and therefor more than worth to fight.

4. I don’t want to give calories and the scale power over me.

Calories and scales have ruled over my life for way too long. How belittling and ridiculous is it to give things like this so much space and power? I am done with that and I will never again count calories or own a scale. Life is more than that.

5. I want to be a better wife, daughter and sister.

When you’re caught in the vicious cycle of anorexia, all you think about is yourself, at least that’s what it was like for me. I had no energy and therefor sucked at being a wife. I also didn’t really listen to anything other’s told me about and instead constantly counted calories or thought about how much I had to exercise when this conversation was finally over. Now that I don’t spend all my time at the gym, my relationship with my husband is a lot better and I can give him so much more than ever before.

6. I want to use my gifts and talents

Since I’ve started my road to health, I have uncovered a lot of hidden talents and gifts and I’ve been creating a lot of things that I am proud of in the last few months. I would have never done that had I still been so sick and had I still wasted all my energy and thoughts on eating disorder related stuff.

7. Energy

The amount of energy I have now compared to a year ago is incredible. There’s no replacement for the nutritious effect of food on your body and the more you eat the more energy you have and the more you can do, create and love.

8. I deserve to eat, live and love too

I always thought that I only deserved to exist if I was as skinny as possible. Otherwise, I’d be judged and hated. Well, now I know that this is not true and I deserve to be here just like everybody else.

9. Freedom

When you’re eating disordered, everything feels like you’re incarcerated. You live in a prison built by yourself and there’s seemingly no way out. Well, step by step I found my way to freedom and I don’t want to lose it again. Ever. This feeling is just too great to ever give up.

10. I want to have the peace of mind

I am not there yet, but I know that one day I will wake up and just go about my day without giving food another thought until I am hungry. I don’t want to plan my meals and simply eat whenever my body is telling me it’s time. I want to focus entirely on my life’s work and I want to give this all my attention, energy and time.

Anorexia kept me alive for a while. It was a crutch I could use during the hardest years of my life (so far), but now it’s time to finally start living. Having a kilogram more or less won’t ever stop me from doing that again.

What are YOUR reasons for fighting or staying recovered?

*I am participating in the first ever Hungry For Change Blogger Challenge. Throughout the entire month of May, I’ll write one post a day all about the topic of eating disorders.

Top Ten Reasons to Fight For/ Stay Recovered is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

* … I’d like to show those who are still suffering that recovery is possible, that there is hope even on the darkest days.

Since I started my journey of recovery about a year ago, I have learned a lot about eating disorders and myself and I believe that I can help others even if it’s just a tiny little bit to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am writing about anorexia because seeing the progress that you, my lovely readers, are making is inspring me and motivating me to go even further. I am hoping to do my part in educating those who still believe that anorexia is some kind of lifestyle worth celebrating.

I am speaking up and adding my voice to the ever-growing list of people who stand up against the sick representation of women and men in the media and I am trying to make society see that we’re destroying each other by comparing us to standards that are unachievable for most of us.

It is important to break the silence and show the world that there is nothing sexy about looking emaciated. It is important for those who are caught in the hell of having an eating disorder to show you that there is a way out, even if it’s a rocky one.

I am just trying to spread the world about how amazing life can be if you’re free of all of these limiting thoughts and behaviors.

I am writing about eating disorders because you deserve to give yourself a second chance and if it is through this little blog, then I’ve done more than I could ever hoped for.

And last but not least, I am writing about eating disorders because it is simply too important NOT  to talk about.

Every voice counts. Yours does too.

*I am participating in the first ever Hungry For Change Blogger Challenge. Throughout the entire month of May, I’ll write one post a day all about the topic of eating disorders.

I am writing about eating disorders because … is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

1. Take a walk
2. Take a few days off and travel
3. Go shopping
4. Evaluate your emotions: journal, what is bothering you?
5. Put some make up on and were bright colors
6. See a funny movie
7. If you are on meds, evaluate if you might want to change something
8. Do a random Act of Kindness
9. Write a list of 10 things you are thankful for. Be specific.
10. Schedule an appointment with a counselor.
11. Talk to a good friend who knows how to listen.
12. Have a good cry.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

046 Fighting Anorexia – 12 Ways to Get Out of a Funk is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

“Try your hand at this workbook and you will learn to love yourself for who you are, not for what you eat.”

I strongly believe in working with guides, otherwise I wouldn’t have written one myself. So, when Lauren Lazar Stern, an art therapist and licensed professional counselor, asked me if I’d be interested in writing a review of her book called “The Slender Trap“, I immediately and excitedly agreed.

The purpose of this book is “… to help you decide whether you are suffering from symptoms associated with an eating disorder or body image disturbance, to help you begin to look at and understand more about yourself and the way you live and feel, and to help you resolve some of the issues that are getting in the way of healthy functioning.”

This purpose was more than met.

While going through the workbook, I was impressed with the detailed and step-by-step approach of the different stages you go through once you are ready to admit that something is not quite right with your body image and/or your eating habits.

Lauren takes you from the early stages of finding out about different eating disorders all the way to finding a therapist that fits your needs.

Laure goes into detail on how genetics play a huge role in the way your body looks. She talks about exercise addiction, the diet trap, how relationships affect eating disorders, embracing the new you and so much more.

This book helps you to work through your issues in many ways, which keeps it interesting and super informative. There are detailed explanations, lots of pictures and ways for you to write, draw and express yourself and your feelings.

While going through the book you are always checking in with yourself, going deeper and deeper to figure out what you are trying to hide with your disordered eating.

After every chapter, you are encouraged to see how you feel. Hot or cold? Light or heavy?  Getting lots of feedback from Lauren herself helps you to process the new information and understand why you’re experiencing your feelings the way you do.

This book requires a lot of thought and action on your part and may seem a bit overwhleming at first. However, you don’t have to work through it in one setting.

You can pick the chapters that most interest you or that you feel speak to you and your current situation and ponder on them for a while. Take your time with the answers and be really honest.

Treating yourself to this book, giving yourself the right to take some time out of your busy schedule in order to work on your problems is a great first step towards health. However, this book does not replace having therapy, it rather complements weekly sessions.

While this book is focused on girls and women, I think that men can equally benefit from the information and the exercises.

Overall, it’s a great workbook and I can absolutely recommend it! I learned a lot about myself while doing the exercises and I can see myself going back to the myriad of facts and information many times in the future.

The Slender Trap is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Every week, I feature an inspiring person who has struggled with anorexia at one point in his or her life and has recovered.

I am all about spreading the message of hope because this is something we so often lack.When we’re in such a deep relationship with our eating disorder and these sick thoughts and behaviors take up most of our time and shape our days, it is hard to remember that there is a way out.

I am hoping to inspire and motivate you with these interviews and that you too will see that you can get your life back.

Today courageous and super active Benjamin of  A Pensive Insight  will give us his take on recovery.

1. Tell us something about yourself. Who are you? What do you do in life?

My name is Benjamin, a 24 year old student currently living in the Warwickshire. I am an avid reader of philosophy, and I read and write poetry. I currently live independently with two cats.

My eating disorder started when I was approximately fourteen years of age as a result of bullying, insecurity and depression.

My biggest fear was being ridiculed and bullied, both at home and at school. Another big fear that perturbed me was the feeling of being “out of control”, feeling rejected, isolated and incredibly depressed.

4. When did your healing process start and do you know what made you decide why you wanted to change your life?

I have been in and out of recovery for numerous years and the biggest motivation to change came from the induction of love into my life. Relationships and friendships were all a big motivation for me; a catalyst to change, a new horizon to embrace!

Without deviating into conjecture, I think a big factor in my healing was to grasp onto a rational viewpoint, to look at my position as pragmatically and with as much prudence as possible. I clasped notions to change, uttered the dangers of perpetuating this torment that this eating disorder would create and I remembered the wishes of others of whom I cared immensely for. I thought about the ideal life, the ideal me, then I contrasted that with my current life. I mused over what was needed to be adopted to deviate to that ideal, an ideal that was possible, healthy, and long-lasting and an inspiration to others!

6. Do you still have a “black list” of items that you won’t eat? Or can you now say that you eat everything you want?

7. Do you consider yourself healthy now? Do you feel comfortable in your skin?

I am much healthier than I used to be and it took a lot of effort, determination and persistence to embrace the required mental and physical resilience. There are too many individuals who exert too much time and effort on their body image without ever having time to actually take the time to enjoy it.

I think there needs to be societal shifts before the number of people with eating disorder dissipates. I think that we need to highlight the importance of love, the acceptance of oneself and how unhealthy and inimical it is to be so beguiled with one’s looks. We only live once; be the life that you would feel proud to have placed as your epitaph.

9. Is there any advice that you could give to our readers?

Contentment is not the fulfilment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have. Your life should never be quantified, what is important is the depth of one’s life. Change your thoughts and you change your world from the inside out. Never try to change your world from the outside in. It was once said that the journey of discovery is no in seeking new scenery, but having new eyes. Eating disorders are not truly about weight, calories and one’s body image; it is much more complex than that. Appreciate the beauty of life, the importance and health and confide in those you trust if and when you feel yourself having struggles with your body image.

Hope Interview Series Part IV – Benjamin is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this webinar we will talk about

1. Body Image and Self-Love

2. Ed and Relationships

3. Clothes

4. Triggers

5. Inspiration: Your Life Starts Now!

By the end of this webinar…

• You will know more about Body Image and how to Improve It
• You will know more about how to love yourself
• You will have gotten rid of a few pieces of clothing
• You will see how Ed affects relationships
• You will know more about your triggers
• You will be motivated to start your recovery journey now

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

045 Fighting Anorexia – Working On Your Body and Mind (BONUS) is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about having the right mindset and how crucial this is in recovery. I distinguish between 3 kinds of mindsets that all work together, but are helpful at different times.

Mindset #1: “I can Beat this” – Attitude

If you don’t completely believe that you can do it, you won’t. You have to be convinced of your own strength and ability in order to be able succeed. The more you tell yourself, you can do it the better your chances for recovery. If you constantly fill your mind with doubt, you will basically sabotage your recovery process. If you don’t believe the outcome is possible, then what is there to fight for?

Mindset #2: “Kindness” – Attitude

There are always periods during which we feel down or make a few steps back. Knowing that it is OK to have off days and being gentle to yourself is super important. It is crucial that you are relaxed about it at times and that you accept your periods of weakness and not beat yourself up over them.

Mindset #3: “F**k It” – Attitude

Sometimes we just have to stop making everything so meaningful and say F**k It to society, the weight loss industry, our fears, our insecurities, food, the scale, exercise etc. This takes work, but starting with saying these words whenever Ed’s voice is extremely loud helps even if you can’t stop following Ed’s orders (yet).

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

044 Fighting Anorexia – The Importance of The Right Mindset is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In the third part of this series, we talk about:

1. Eating
2. Coping Skills
3. Weight Gain
4. Feeling FAT
5. Inspiration: Consequences of Starving Yourself and How it Changes!

By the End of This Webinar…

You will know more about a Balanced Diet
You will be able to deal with the Stress of Eating
You will know more about the Benefits of Having a Meal Plan or Routine
You will have written down your Black List
You will have zoned in on your Fears of having a Healthy Weight

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

043 Fighting Anorexia – The Inevitable: Eating and Gaining Weight (BONUS) is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

8. Do you think that there could be done more in order to prevent eating disorders?

I do think that schools could educate students more about eating disorders and the stigma about them should be broken. I also think that the focus of eating disorders should not just be about weight. I have many friends in treatment who showed early signs of eating disorders or had EDNOS but were not taken seriously and not given the help they needed until they were dangerously underweight or suffered serious health issues.

I think that in order to prevent eating disorders,we should help those who show signs before it gets to a serious level.  Many people dont get help or are turned away because they are “not sick enough or not skinny enough”. Help should be given when someone first has ED thoughts or ED behaviors to prevent an eating disorder from occurring or progressing. I also think that more education on binge eating disorder would be helpful.

I also think that the media should stop sending out messages to young girls telling them that they have to be skinny. The media should focus on loving and accepting yourself no matter what you weigh. Magazines for teens are covered in diet tips. This can cause someone who is already hating their body to go to extreme measures in order to lose weight and be seen as perfect.

If society and the media focused on loving our bodies perhaps it would help stop eating disorders. Treating people who show the early signs and symptoms of having an eating disorder would also help stop the ED from getting worse.

9. Is there any advice you could give our readers?

I would tell the readers that if they feel as though they are struggling with an ED or showing signs of developing one to tell someone and get help right away, don’t wait. Please dont think that you are “Not sick enough”. Anyone who has ED thoughts or behaviors deserves treatment. It does not matter your weight, ED’s are also about the thoughts feelings and disordered actions.

Please dont let it get worse. I would also tell your readers that recovery is possible. It is a long journey and I am still struggling everyday but I am making progress. Little by little I am beating my eating disorder. In the end, this struggle will be worth it. Please dont give up!

Hope Interview Series Part III: Micah is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

This is a guest post by Nikole of Stubbornly Delighted.

The battle with an eating disorder is exactly that, a battle.

I’ve been eating fairly normally for about a year-and-a-half now, but I often get mad at myself for no longer obsessing with food like I used to.

Instead of being proud of the progress I’ve made and the healthy weight I find myself in now, I sometimes get disappointed that I’ve “let myself go.”

The negative thoughts I’ve had on my body for so long leaked into my thought process; if I’m happy with my body one day, I’m disappointed with my skin, or my teeth, or my hair, and of course, finding complete satisfaction with my body is still difficult.

I thought that I beat my disorder a year ago, so why do I still have these feelings?

For an entire year, I have rarely spit out food, and even more rarely have I skipped a day of eating. But, the desire to do so still hits me hard at times. So, how do I resist that unhealthy longing to not eat?

It’s not exactly easy; in fact, it can be very very hard. But after a while, I’ve discovered a few things that help me to silence these thoughts and move on to the better things that are in my life now.

Don’t Blame Yourself for Any Consequences

The first, and one of the most helpful ones, is to not blame yourself for any consequences that you now have from your eating disorder.

I’m engaged now, and I’m extremely excited to start my family, but with that excitement comes a very serious concern. My ability to have children is questionable because of the eating disorder.

So here I am, I can finally move on, I’m getting married! But often, the excitement gets dampened because of my worry.  I’ve always wanted a family, but can I have one? How could I have ruined that? How could I have risked so much? I hate myself for doing that. I hate this all. It’s then that I have to remind myself, that yes, life is hard, but it’s doable for everyone!

There are other options, and I can have a family. And besides, it wasn’t really me that had the eating disorder, that wasn’t me.  It’s not my fault. It is not my fault.

Distract Yourself from Your Bad Feelings

I also learned to distract myself from my own bad feelings. At first it was just repeatedly thinking about one of my favorite songs whenever I had a negative thought towards myself. Eventually, it became such a habit, that even when I really wanted to feel those bad thoughts, the song would intrude.

After that, I learned to distract myself with other thoughts. This is a lot more fun, because I basically think of all the positive stuff going on in my life! I have a job, and friends, and I’m in a better place!

Eventually, this became a habit too! And now the negative thoughts rarely win the battles in my mind.

Look for those that love you and want to help you. Be completely honest with them, and hold nothing back. Holding in negative feelings, fuels those feelings, until they get bigger and bigger.

There is always someone out there that loves you and is willing to help. If you can’t think of anyone, or if you feel all alone, I’ll help you! There’s always someone!

Find a Hobby

Finally, the thing that is helping me most right now is a hobby. Find a hobby!  It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s healthy and something you’re actually interested in.

I taught myself to play the piano, and the guitar! I’ve learned to knit. And now, I spend a lot of time on my blog! Stubbornlydelighted.blogspot.com, named for my desire to be happy and how I’ll accept nothing less.

For me, writing about things in my life helps me to realize that everything is okay. There’s no need to dwell on things that I have done, and I can move on. I love writing, and I found my hobby.

For other people, maybe it’s making jewelry and selling it on Etsy, or playing sports, maybe drawing, or even making ice sculptures! It doesn’t matter as long as you really like it!

There is something out there for everyone, and finding that hobby can make a world of difference. I promise.

Keep Fighting

And remember, always keep fighting! If I could have seen who I’d be now a year and a half ago, I wouldn’t be happy. I would be miserable that I let myself become this way, but now that I’m here, all I can do is cry with happiness. I never knew life could be so amazing.

How To Resist the Longing to Not Eat is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about the lesson that I learned last week: Listen to Your Body.

When we are at war with ourselves, it is not easy to reconnect the mind and the body. It is even harder to act on the messages that our body is sending us. However, we have to learn that our body wants only the best of us and is there to help us survive.

Give yourself 10 minutes every morning and meditate. Try to really tune in to what your body is telling you, even if you cannot act on what you are learning yet.

The more you listen to your body the more you will get to know what it is like to be healthy and balanced. Recovery is about starting to listen to the signals your body is sending you and learning to follow them.
If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

042 Fighting Anorexia – Listen to Your Body is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In the 2nd part of the Pro Recover Webinar Series we will talk about:

1. Ed’s Lies

2. Ed’s Voice, Society’s Voice and Your Voice

3.Talk Back

4. Take Action

5. Inspiration: Anne-Sophie’s Turning Point

By the End of This Recording…

• You will know which lies eating disorders like to tell
• You will have differentiated between Ed’s voice and your own
• You will think more critically about the voice inside
• You will be able to talk back
• You will be able to act against the voice

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

041 Fighting Anorexia – Taking Up The Fight (BONUS) is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Every week, I feature an inspiring person who has struggled with anorexia at one point in his or her life and has recovered. I am all about spreading the message of hope because this is something we so often lack.

When we’re in such a deep relationship with our eating disorder and these sick thoughts and behaviors take up most of our time and shape our days, it is hard to remember that there is a way out.

I am hoping to inspire and motivate you with these interviews and that you too will see that you can get your life back.

Today I am excited to share the interview with Arielle who truly has A Voice with A Commitment with you with you!

Happy Reading!

1.     Tell us something about you. Who are you? What do you do in life?

My name is Arielle Lee Bair and I wear many hats. I’m an Eating Disorder Recovery blogger, ANAD eating disorder support group leader, MSW graduate student, and wife. I’m also a Caseworker for a non-profit agency in my county and a Graduate Intern Counselor at Turning Point of the Lehigh Valley, an agency which helps victims/survivors of domestic violence.

I’m 27 years old with a Bachelor’s Degree in English and in Women’s Studies. I am currently finishing my Masters in Social Work.I am a recovered individual myself and my number one goal is to show others that recovery is possible. Hope is my favorite personal value. I have 2 cats and a lot of energy.

2.     When and why did your eating disorder start?

My eating disorder began when I was 11 years old. I was bullied during middle school and began coping unhealthily from that point onward. I cannot guess as to a “why” and certainly do not blame the girls who bullied me for “causing” my eating disorder. An eating disorder is a mental illness and I feel strongly as a woman and as a professional that eating disorders are related to both biological factors and environmental factors. I was not officially diagnosed with anorexia until age 18 and began recovery soon after.

3.     What was your biggest fear? Why did you starve yourself?

My biggest fear was losing my identity of the “thin” girl or the “thinnest” girl. At the same time, I starved myself for a number of reasons, including: I was coping with emotions unhealthily, I was punishing myself, I was trying to make myself smaller or uglier because so much emphasis had always been put on my (positive) appearance rather than my worth or intelligence, I sought to control something in the face of external things I could not control.

4.     When did your healing process start and do you know what made you decide why you wanted to change your life?

My healing process began just after my official eating disorder diagnosis. I was 18 years old. I knew what I was feeling, thinking, and doing was not good or healthy and I wanted recovery as soon as I recognized that.

5.     Can you tell us more about your healing process?

I gathered as much support as I could. I went to therapy and a nutritionist and support groups. I looked within myself. My degree in Women’s Studies helped me to focus on myself as a woman and all the greatness that could mean. My writing also helped me a great deal. It was a healthy way of coping with bad things and it allowed me to process through the things that hurt. I had to work both on gaining weight and on strengthening the health of my mind. The two go hand in hand.

6.     Do you still have a “black list” of items that you won’t eat? Or can you now say, you eat everything you want?

I eat anything I want. I am fully recovered in body and mind and have been for several years. I am not afraid of food, or of certain foods. I am not afraid of meal times or my own body or of numbers on a scale, clothing sizes, or fat. I am me and I am happy with that. I eat to fuel my body because it is the only body I will ever get in this life. I enjoy food. It’s a huge difference from the way my life used to be years ago, but I enjoy food very much.

7.     Do you consider yourself healthy now? Dou you feel comfortable in your skin?

Yes, I consider myself healthy, but more than that – it is a fact. I AM healthy. I feel comfortable in my skin, in front of the mirror, when I wake up, when I go to sleep. Before, when I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I didn’t like myself. That fueled the eating disorder. It fueled my unhealthy behaviors and thoughts. Now, I like myself. I love myself. So the logical and happy choice is to take care of myself and treat myself with kindness.

8.     Do you think that there could be done more in order to prevent eating disorders?

Yes, I think more could be done to educate the world at large. I also think that warning signs could be better noticed. In terms of prevention, I think that if eating disorders are noticed early on because people are made more aware of them, then recovery is more likely to be possible and help can happen more quickly. I don’t think as a whole eating disorders can be prevented, due to the fact that they are a mental illness with certain predispositions in place – but there is no reason the environmental factors that contribute to eating disorders could not be reduced.

9.    Is there any advice you could give our readers?

You can be your own worst enemy… but you can also be your own best cheerleader. Don’t forget that. Don’t give away your power to things like trauma, food, weight, fear, etc. Take your power back. Recovery is possible!

Hope Interview Series Part II with Arielle Lee Bair is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia I talk about how we can protect ourselves from dieting co-workers, crazy weight loss gurus and other toxic media messages.

Here are a few strategies that you can implement today:

• Ask people to stop talking about their diets when you are around. Be blunt about it but in a kind way. You don’t have to tell them you have an eating disorder, but tell them their constant conversations about this topic are bothering you.
• Put earphones on and listen to music or podcasts. This will drown the other voices.
• Start a different conversation. Sometimes people need a push in the right direction. Be that push.
• If friends are hindering you in moving forward, stop seeing them, even if it hurts.
• Read books and take in different ideas, different subject, important topics. Inspire yourself.
• Remind yourself of what is really important in life. Write down a list and have it handy.
• Get some perspective: go out on a walk, talk to a friend, see a therapist and remind yourself what life is really about.

Here are a few links of what I’ve mentioned in the episode:

• True Beauty Podcast 
• http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/27/dukan-diet-founder-to-face-ethics-hearing/
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/31/facebook-feeling-fat-eating-disorder_n_1393778.html

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

040 Fighting Anorexia – How Can I Protect Myself From Toxic Outside Influences? is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Happy Easter, my lovely Readers!

Happy Easter! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

My eyes are wide open. My thoughts are running in circles.

I lay in bed anticipating this day. It’s Easter Sunday. A day where I would allow myself to eat. But not just that. I would eat everything, all day long, no big breaks in between. I’d have a huge breakfast, chocolate Easter eggs all day long, a big lunch, cake in the afternoon and an even bigger meal for dinner.

I would stuff myself without worrying about the calories. I had been waiting for this day for weeks. It’s a holiday, an exception. It’s a day when I can let all my rules, all my restrictions, all my guilt be overruled by the fact that this day is to be celebrated. And so, that’s what I did. For years.

I didn’t care about spending quality time with my family or the Christian importance of the day. All that was on my mind was food and the knowledge that tomorrow I would have to go back to my destructive habits and punish myself for taking a day off.

This was my reality for 14 years and I missed out on so very much because my mind was preoccupied with this triviality, which, even if it is an illness, it objectively is. This is not the way to live. It is a way of damaging your health, digestive system, relationships and ultimately life.

How Times Have Changed

This year however, the first year where I am not going into the holiday starved and deprived of any valuable nutritions, everything feels different. I haven’t anticipated the binge fest for weeks. I did not buy chocolate bunnies and easter eggs in quantities that would probably be even too much for a family with 10 kids, but instead I am focusing on sending messages of love and appreciation to my friends and family.

Sure, I bought some yummy Easter treats, but in moderation and I am certain that this Easter celebration will be the best one since my early childhood.

I will be doing an Easter egg hunt with my stepdaughter and I will be enjoying the moments as a family. I will do my best not to worry about the calories of the chocolate and the cake, which, to be honest, will be a challenge for me too. But I will not let that keep me from savoring each bite of my favorite kind of Easter bunnies in the world: the white chocolate ones.

I am proud of that fact and it shows yet another time how much life can change if you are willing to fight your eating disorder and never ever give up.   

How You Can Challenge Yourself this Easter 

Holidays are always tricky for those who are battling their inner demons. Whether you are scared of having to spend time with your family knowing that they’ll be watching how much it is you’re putting in your mouth or the large amounts of chocolate in the house are triggering you, it is a time of high inner stress. 

But it can also be an opportunity to challenge yourself. If you’re in the process of having to gain weight, why not try to eat an Easter bunny to up your calories just a teeny tiny bit? Why not have a piece of cake during tea time with your family? 

This, of course, doesn’t apply to those who are only in the early stages of recovery and are still struggling to eat at all. But if you’re a bit further along, a day like this can give you a chance to crush another big barrier: the barrier of eating items that are not necessarily incorporated in your regular meal plan yet.

How You Can Master Easter Without Anxiety

If this seems simply ludicrous for you right now and you cannot possible do this, don’t feel bad about yourself. Try to shift your focus from the food and instead enjoy the time with your loved ones or treat yourself to some nice activities that you would normally deny yourself. 

Maybe schedule a massage for Monday, get a manicure or pedicure to reduce the stress of the previous day or watch a nice movie with a few friends.

When the situation on Sunday becomes too unbearable for you, go out for a short walk, journal and keep encouraging notes handy in order to help pick yourself up.

Have a mobile phone with you and a contact you can always confide in when things get too difficult. Have a sincere conversation with your family that this day is going to be nerve-wrecking and that they should please not observe you with eagle eyes since you are already trying your best.

But most importantly, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Do what you can and celebrate each and every little victory you have on this day. And remember: It is only one single Sunday.

My Gifts for You

In order to celebrate Easter with you, I am giving away one copy of The Ultimate Guide to a Healthy Body Image and a 20-minute Coaching Session with me. You choose the topic! 

Simply share a few Easter strategies, stories, happy memories or whatever else you can think of with us and I will randomly draw a winner by the end of the next week.

I wish you all a Happy Easter! 

A Tale Of Easters Past is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this first part of the 4-week Pro Recovery Series, we will talk about:

1. The WHY of Recovery
2. The Fear of Letting Go
3. Your Support System
4. Education and Inspiration
5. Inspiration: The Benefits of Life Without Anorexia

By the End of this Recording…

• You will know your Reasons for Recovery
• You will Envision Your ideal Life and Determine Goals
• You will Zone In on What’s Holding You Back
• You will have an Idea About Your True Talents, Skills and Passions
• You will Have a Deeper Understanding of a Support System
• You will know more about the Benefits of Life Without Anorexia

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!
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039 Fighting Anorexia – Building your Foundation (BONUS) is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Every week, I will feature an inspiring person who has struggled with anorexia at one point in his or her life and has recovered. I am all about spreading the message of hope because this is something we so often lack.

When we’re in such a deep relationship with our eating disorder and these sick thoughts and behaviors take up most of our time and shape our days, it is hard to remember that there is a way out.

I am hoping to inspire and motivate you with these interviews and that you too will see that you can get your life back.

The beautiful and geniurs Jen from Ms. Morphosis will kickstart this series with a lot of insights, motivation and advice.

Happy Reading!

1.     Tell us something about you. Who are you? What do you do in life?

4.     When did your healing process start and do you know what made you decide why you wanted to change your life?

I don’t black list any foods except for diet drinks and artificial sweeteners. My appetite changes depending on things like how much I’m exercising or if I’m getting close to my period, but I try and just listen to my hunger rather than my mind. When I’m working out a lot I eat more, and really crave lots of salmon and healthy carbs. When my period is coming, I sometimes just need a night out to eat some mexican food or a rich Italian dinner

7.     Do you consider yourself healthy now? Do you feel comfortable in your skin?

Yes

Please share your comments, thoughts or other feedback with us!

Hope Interview Series Part I with Jen from Ms. Morphosis is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share what has been going on in my life in the last week and how I have struggled with eating. I also share how I checked in with myself in order to stop the relapse and continue to go strong on the way towards a recovered life.

Being in recover, you have to be especially aware of your thoughts, emotions and actions and you have to constantly question why it is you are doing something. Are you really not hungry or is it your eating disorder that is dictating that? Do you really feel sick or is it an excuse? The more aware you are of your true motives the better your chances for a successful recovery.

When you notice that you have gone a few steps backwards, it is important to take some time off, ground yourself again and figure out what the problem was in order to work through it and get back on track. Setbacks happen to all of us, but it is important not to let those setbacks turn into a full-blown relapse. Get a massage, go to the movies, get a manicure or a spa treatment or simply watch TV all day long like I did in order to breathe again and remind yourself of the reasons you want to go this way and not walk back. Be kind to yourself. Don’t judge and give it time.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

038 Fighting Anorexia – Emotions, Appetite and the Art of Taking Care of Yourself! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

Today was a rather quiet day. I had been quite stressed in the last few days and I had been feeling uneasy and sick because of some things that are happening between a friend and myself. Tuesday was an especially bad day where I just felt abandoned and unwanted and, to be quite frank, treated unfairly. This has made a huge impact on my diet. I skipped dinner 3 nights in a row. I just couldn’t eat larger amounts of food.

Whether this may be a human reaction to circumstances in life or not, I know that I have to be especially careful and cautious. So, I decided to take it easy for a day, catch up on Fringe and do some wellness for the soul in order to get back on track, both mentally and physically.

I worked on a few guest posts and wrote down a few examples for misunderstandings between those affected by an eating disorder and their loved ones, but mostly I was just resting.

A few months ago, I would have labeled such a day as unacceptable and would have had a major bad conscience. Taking a day off in the middle of the week while trying to build a business sounds nothing short of crazy, right? Yes, it does.

But you know what? I don’t care how it sounds, I only care about my health and I have learned that this has to be my priority, at all times. Yes, being successful is great. Yes, being prolific is amazing. But nothing trumps the security of being stable in recovery.

We can slip so easily. A few missed dinners turn into a habit of skipping them altogether again. A few more minutes of working out here and there will turn into another compulsion. All of that combined will get me back on the road towards anorexia in no time. 

Knowing that, having that awareness is crucial. It takes both this awareness and an intense feeling of being in tune with yourself in order to have strong pillars on which you can build your recovered life.

In the first few years after you make significant changes in your lifestyle, it is easy to slip back into destructive habits. One confrontation with your boss, a broken heart, problems with your family or financial struggles can easily be used by your eating disorder to allure you back into its loving arms.

It takes your mind off the real problem. It gives you an agenda and a clear, achievable goal. It is something you can control and can see success. At least that is what it makes you think. In reality though, going back to your disordered eating is only going to create more problems and will lead you right back into the hellish cycle of a bad relationship.

Knowing that, I decided to intervene right away without letting myself slip back further.

So what if other people think I am lazy? So what if other people may think it is unacceptable? So freaking what? 

We are in a unique position. We fight more fights every single day than most people will ever in their lives. We are warriors and we are fighting for nothing less than our lives. So, let other people think whatever they want to think. We know exactly what is right for us. We have to be careful with our minds. We have to take care of us more than others do. And doing that shows extremem strength and determination.

After all, what greater determination is there than wanting to live?

So, take that day off. Treat yourself to something nice. Get away from your routine. Let work be work and just leave it be for a day. Recharge. Get some inspiration. Get a new sense for your recovery. Reenergize. And then live. 

That’s what I did today and you know what? I feel awesome.

Give Yourself a Break is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I was meeting a friend the other for a cup of coffe and we had the most interesting and thought-provoking conversation. We talked about society and women and the constant voice in our heads telling us food is bad, dieting is great and you have to wear a certain size in order to be beautiful. Then my friend said something that opened up a whole new view for me.

“If I hear a voice that is not kind and loving, I know it is not mine.” What she meant was that we are so influenced either by parents, friends, partners, the media or the society that we often don’t recognize when our thoughts and our actions are not ours but those influenced by others. But not only that, we ourselves wouldn’t say these mean, nasty, belittling things to ourselves, they always come from outside sources.

She is absolutely right and yet, I had never thought of it. All the self-hatred I had developed over the years, all the disgust for my body and all the rules and rituals I had developed resulted from my brother tormenting me, the media spreading the message of thinness equals happiness and my mother’s obsession with the scale. I was insecure and damaged and I leaned on those pillars thinking they knew better, they were smart, they were right.

Over time their voices mixed with my own true voice, which created a destructive and life-threatening disorder. I forgot about the person I really was, the thoughts that only belonged to me and the actions that resulted from my heart. From working with many of my lovely readers, I know that this is not unique to my situation and most of you experience the same.

We either think so little of ourselves that we give the other voices more power or we simply forget that we have a voice too. A voice that is just as important, amazing, bright and loving as those of others. We just have to find a way to find it again.

The part of the quote about our voice being nothing but true and kind intrigued me the most. Think of yourself as a toddler. Would you tell yourself all the horrible things you tell yourself now? Would you say that you’re not enough? You’re too fat. You’re too weak. You’re disgusting. You need to lose weight. No, you wouldn’t. You’d be happy, curious and loving yourself, being completely fine with who you are. There are no bad thoughts. This no beating yourself up because you have gained weight. There is no fear of not fitting into society’s standards and the media certainly doesn’t affect your thoughts at all. 

It’s natural that we are influenced by others over time and that is a good thing. It helps us grow as human beings and constantly evolve. However, when we only pick up the bad messages, those that put us down, make us feel inferior, stupid, ugly, bad and all these other emotions, then we have to go back and reevaluate whose thoughts these really are.

Check in with yourself and search for your own voice without all the noise of the outside world. Be true to who you are and be OK with that. And every time you think something bad about yourself, remind yourself that this is not your voice. 

What is Your TRUE Voice? is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share with you 21 sentences that you should stop saying forever. These sentences only hurt your self-esteem and are mostly simply wrong. The less you think and talk in those terms, the more you will strengthen your chances of full recovery.

1. I am my eating disorder.

2. I am fat.

3. I am not … enough.

4. My recovery needs to be perfect.

5. I have to always be strong.

6. Having a healthy weight is not acceptable for me.

7. Being skinny is the only acceptable way to live in this society.

8. I can only be successful if I am skinny.

9. People will judge me if I gain weight.

10. People will abandon me if I have a healthy weight.

11. Life without my eating o is not possible for me.

12. Others can do it, but I certainly can’t.

13. If only I could stand the feeling of having a bigger belly.

14. I will never get used to a healthy body.

15. I will not be attractive anymore if I gain weight.

16. I will lose control over myself if I let go of counting calories, restricting, purging and working out.

17. Once I start to eat, I cannot stop.

18. I don’t have any other talents than losing weight.

19. Life is not worth living.

20. I don’t deserve to be happy and healthy and enjoy life.

21. I need to lose a few pounds.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

037 Fighting Anorexia – 21 Eating Disordered Sentences You Should Eliminate From Your Vocabulary is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this special episode of Fighting Anorexia, I share with you my excitement of being in recovery for one year. I talk about the rough times, the amazing times and what I have learned and would like to share with you. Recovery is not easy. You will feel like s**t sometimes and you often think about giving up, but pushing through those days, weeks and months is important for your life.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

036 Fighting Anorexia – Let us Celebrate a Milestone is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I am pacing back and force in our apartment, phone in had, waiting for the doctor to pick up. When he finally does, I beg, plead, cry wanting to have one more day at home, one more day of pretending I didn’t have to make a change.

One more day of living with my anorexia, who had been my best friend and closes companion for such a very long time. Couldn’t the doctor understand that? Couldn’t he see that I was not ready?

“We count reschedule now that we’ve made all the arrangements. Either you’re joining the program today or not at all.”

I cannot breathe. Where’s my husband? Why had we fought last night? Why wasn’t he here to walk this way with me? I pack my bag, throw some random cloths in there, tears streaming down my face. I feel sick.

I don’t want to go, but I know I have to. I know I don’t have an option. There’s no alternative. Oh, wait. There is: Death.

The day goes by in a haze. I try not to cry in front of the doctors. I try to be strong, smile, sound exited. But I am terrified. I don’t want to meet the other patients. I don’t want to leave my room.I certainly don’t want to eat. I don’t have the energy to fight. All I really want to do is disappear. I want this struggle to be over.

I make it through the day and fall asleep curled up in a tiny ball of misery not sure what the future holds, whether I’ll make it or whether I’ll break apart.

366 Days of Transformation

That was exactly one year ago. 366 days (it’s a leap year). 527040 minutes of ups and downs, victories and failures, tears and laughter, weight loss and weight gain, loss of identity and the regaining for it, sickness and health, existing and living and finally coming home to me, myself and I.

I have said it many times, but I will say it again: The person I was one year ago does not exist anymore. The insecure, weary of life, hardly sane, scared and hurt little girl has transformed into a self-confident, energetic, joyful and active young woman that is ready to face every challenge life puts in her way.

When I look back and remember the lost girl I was on March 23rd 2011, I want to reach out to her, take her in my arms, squeeze her tight and tell her that it will be OK. I would tell her that she won’t lose herself. Anorexia will.

I would tell her that there are many yet undiscovered or covered abilities, talents and passions inside that are just waiting for anorexia to disappear in order to burst out and blossom.

I would tell her that eating can be fun and that it will get easier every single day if you just keep at it. I’d whisper in her ear that nobody will judge her because she gains weight and lives inside her natural body.

I’d reinforcer her by promising that letting go of this part of her life will present amazing opportunities and a future she could have never dreamt of. I’d dream with her of all the journeys she is going to take: from America, to Australia, to Bali and the South of France.

I’d be proud of her because she was going to become a very active eating disorder advocate and she was going to help hundreds of sufferers around the world.

I’d praise her for building up the courage for starting a podcast in the hopes of reaching the soul of another girl or boy who’s in a desperate situation right now.

I’d take her by my hand and show her that workouts can be fun and that it’s not about the calories burnt, but about the movement, the connection with the body and the reduction of stress.

I’d create the picture inside her mind that despite her feeling like her life was going to end, it was only now starting. And I’d be cheering her on every single day, whenever she was struggling in the hopes of giving her an extra ounce of motivation and energy to keep going and never give up.

Yes, that’s what I’d do. But I would also lie in bed next to her, stroking her hair and telling her that it is alright to cry, to let it all out, to be scared, petrified even and to feel completely overwhelmed.

From darkness to light: My Recovery Anniversary is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I am currently reading Healing your Hungry Heart by Joanna Poppink and it has some really valuable and eye-opening passages in there. One thing that I found especially important to mention is the fact that, whatever eating disorder you have, your worth as a person does not depend on it. She goes on to explain that fat is a substance, not an identity. Have you ever told you are an allergy? No? Then why do you say you are fat? Change your wording and maybe use the sentence “I carry fat” instead.

Since those of you who are reading this are most likely severely underweight, but still think about this topic so much (I know because I was obsessed with it), I wanted to bring it up and take the topic of identifying yourself as an eating disordered person a bit further.

While reading this, I was reminded once again of my sheer terror of having to gain weight. When I started to tap into eating a bit more, stopped my workouts and had to go to bed without a growling stomach, I was unable to sleep, laying awake with the agony of totally losing the person I had been for most of my life.

I was the skinny one. I was the one who controlled herself. I was the one being admired for hardly ever eating dinner. But I was also the sad one, the one who hardly laughed,  the one who was always losing temper, who had no energy, who cried over homework, who was always doubting herself and her abilities. I was the one who could not do anything but restricting. Or so I thought and believed.

When I tried to make changes in order to get out of this hellish state, my eating disorder flooded my mind with messages that told me I was not going to be anyone without anorexia. I was going to be the biggest failure in history. Everybody was going to hate me, judge me, laugh at me, pity me and ultimately lose interest in me.

These thoughts trapped me and wouldn’t let me move forward. I did not gain weight, at least not a lot, I did not stop abusing laxatives, I did not eat and often sneaked out to go for a run.

It was destructive, it was dangerous, but I was scared of letting go.

At the same time I was terrified of becoming fat (here is that word again), of losing control. I thought that once I stopped restricting, I’d go wild and wouldn’t be able to tame myself. And who was I going to be if I was not emaciated anymore? What would be special about me? What would others associate with me if not control, hunger and a tiny frame?

I expressed those fears over and over again in therapy and while working with my recovery team, but no matter what they told me, I was not convinced that there were other talents, skills and characteristics within me that had nothing to do with being skinny.

I simply could not see it. I was anorexic. That was my identity.

However, once I started to gain weight and I started to really dig deep and do some soul-searching, I came up with a long list of abilities that were slumbering inside, only waiting to be reawakened. When I got the job at Starbucks, my self-confidence was instantly boosted and I felt proud of having accomplished being hired despite having been rejected at first.

I continued to gain weight and realized that I was not losing control, my eating disorder was. It tried to gain back its influence many times, but I was my own master now. I didn’t binge, I didn’t go wild, I slowly developed a balanced diet for the very first time in my adult life. I felt empowered despite the initial need to get used to a completely different body.

When I was fired and stumbled deeper into the world of blogging, podcasting and even creating my own digital products, I felt incredible. I realized that now that I had stopped obsessing over my body, I was more successful, more alive and more energetic than ever before. I received all kinds of positive feedback about my changed posture, my smile, my sparkling eyes and the path that I have started to take. It felt pretty ironic to me that after walking through life believing only skinny people are successful and worthy of praise, I had come to a place where I had a healthy weight and was living my full potential for the first time ever.

It is easy to get wrapped up in thinking that because your eating disorder has been with you for years or even decades, you are just that: an eating disordered person, an anorexic, a bulimic, a binge eater. But it is not true. Far from it. You’re eating disorder is part of you, yes, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.

So, take some time for yourself today. Go to a place where you feel comfortable and relax a bit. Maybe you want to listen to music in the background, maybe you can sit by the lake, whatever it is, create a pleasant atmosphere. Write down all the things that come to your mind when you think about your skills, talents and interests that have nothing to do with your looks.

I am sure you can come up with a lot of them. Don’t judge them and don’t hold back. Just put everything down that you can think of. Whenever you feel like you are nothing without your eating disorder, look at that list and remind yourself that once you can let go of your destructive behaviors, you can transform into the person that has all those skills and can implement them because that person has energy and a clear mind.

Are you brave enough to share a few of the ideas you came up with with us? I’d love to hear about your awesomeness. 

You are more than your Eating Disorder is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

When my husband and I traveled to Australia last year, I reached out to my network of Australia friends and fellow eating disorder advocates in order to meet up. June Alexander was one of those who quickly said she’d love to chat and meet for a Long Black. In order to prepare for the meeting, I bought June’s memoir A Girl Called Tim and devoured it on the flight down under. Her story touched me beyond almost anything I had read before and it provided me with hope that there is always a way out of an eating disorder, even if you have been struggling with it for decades.

I asked June if she was willing to write about her book in order to spread the message of hope about the possibility of recovery and how life can change even after many years of being at war with yourself. If you’re inspired by June’s words, I strongly recommend reading the book, especially if you’re in a place of struggle right now and feel like there’s never going to be a bright and free future ahead of you.

I am thrilled to  give the word over to June who writes about Coming out – and telling the world about ‘ED’!

My driving force in writing a A Girl Called Tim, apart from standing tall and showing my eating disorder that I was no longer its captive – that I was free – was the desire to connect with and inspire one person to recover.

If I helped to ease the torment and improve the quality of life of at least one person, I felt my own suffering would seem worthwhile. My wish was to let others know they were not alone, and to raise awareness so they would not suffer as long as me.

Since A Girl Called Tim‘s release in 2011, the response has been truly heartening. Women and men across the spectrum from age 20 to age 80 share their thoughts and feelings and describe their experience, their stories often identifying strongly with mine. The result is a warm, fuzzy feeling; we all feel less alone; we feel empowered; we feel understood; we feel okay; and we definitely feel we want to live another day.

I grew up in a time when little was known about Anorexia, and Bulimia did not even have a name. My eating disorder journey began in 1962, at age 11. It was not correctly diagnosed for more than 20 years. My recovery journey therefore began in my 30s, and it was a long road, with many turns! Sometimes in reverse! But I kept going. At age 55 I reached the summit of my climb, and reclaimed my long-lost identity. Six years on I continue to embrace every day; I am on a joyous bid to catch up on life. My four children (now in their thirties) smile understandingly when I tell them that I am ‘twenty-eight years old’; they are happy for they can see that their mother is free.

Life is not easy for children when their parent has an eating disorder. I feel truly blessed that my children’s father is stable, secure and safe, a truly wonderful man. He was the anchor for our children when my ED ran rampant in my life and in their life as well. The effect on family members when a loved one has an eating disorder has become recognised only in recent times. Everyone is affected. The eating disorder is a master of manipulation. Round-the-clock love, coupled with education and coping skills, are vital tools for the family in isolating and conquering this illness. The best outcome is achieved, I believe, when everyone is involved in the recovery process.

An unexpected but very welcome outcome of A Girl Called Tim is the growing the interest by health professionals. While the cause of eating disorders remains elusive, there is increasing evidence that collaboration of all involved – people living with an eating disorder, their loved ones and carers, the clinician, the researcher – is vital. Eating disorders are brilliant at isolating, dividing and conquering lives and relationships. We have to be more brilliant, and outsmart this insidious illness – to save lives and relationships. It gets back to that one word: collaboration. We all have a role to play; we each have a purpose; by respecting each other, and listening, we move forward.

A Girl Called Tim carries a strong message that recovery is possible at every age. That a growing number of clinicians as well as people living with the eating disorder, are recognising this, is a giant step forward. Early intervention with Family-Based Treatment was not around when I developed Anorexia. Clearly, if health professionals had given up on me, I would not be here to tell my story. Never, ever give up! Here, Claire Diffey – Manager, Victorian Centre of Excellence in Eating Disorders (CEED), explains:

‘There is so much to celebrate and praise about A Girl Called Tim. June’s eloquent and frank story of her life and struggle to overcome her eating disorder, depression and anxiety is compelling reading. She creates the picture so clearly that I felt I was there with her, agonizing as she stumbled and wanting to help her up, cheering as she made steps in progress to recovery.

The central issues June describes of the power of eating disorder with its tyranny that isolates, deceives, creates self doubt and loathing, leaving sufferers feeling unworthy and misunderstood are critical to understanding the battle against eating disorders. Despite her torment, the determination to understand what was happening to her and then confront her illness was powerful, even when June felt it has almost deserted her. The importance of family, her struggles to find her place and acceptance are central to her story. Acceptance and understanding are personified in the way she managed those final years of her parents’ life.

As described by Laura Collins, June provides us with not only a personal journey of discovery, learning and recovery. She also provides the societal and professional history and evolution from ignorance and misunderstanding of eating disorders. Over the past three decades there has been increasing research understanding and developments in treatments for anyone at any stage of illness. Thank you to all those involved in this work and to June and her fellow travellers who have helped us all understand, learn and improve treatments.

This is a significant book in providing insights into how early in life and insidiously eating disorders can develop, and the crucial need for early detection and intervention. But even if early intervention and recovery is not available or happen, there is now services and hope for recovery at any time. June champions of the need for support, therapy, and instilling and constantly fanning the sparks of hope.’

A Girl Called Tim is a story of rebuilding a sense of self. I hope it inspires you in your recovery journey. Never, ever give up!

A Girl Called Tim – The Story of a True Heroine is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about triggers that can push you to engage in unhealthy and eating disordered behavior. Triggers can be family members, yours scale, friends, food, pictures of yourself, magazines, the media and its messages, support groups, Pro Ana sites, pressures, jealousy, envy, comparisons, movies, commercials, clothes, holidays, certain times of the year, mirrors and many more.

Whatever your triggers are, you should be aware of them. Think about it and write it down. Whenever you turn to unhealthy behaviors, what are the circumstances around it? Do you see patterns? Were you especially emotional, felt under pressure, had to deal with problems or challenges? Was a specific time of the day or day of the week? Was it a person or a certain situation that triggered you regularly?

When you are at the beginning of recovery, it is important to reduce triggers and avoid them in order for you to strengthen yourself and your recovery. However over time it is a good idea to reintegrate certain triggers in your life again, so that you can live fully and work on overcoming challenges and becoming a stronger version of yourself.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

035 Fighting Anorexia – Triggers is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

When you are in the midst of the war against your body, you often forget your true identity. As I have written before, eating disorders are vicious and tricky and they tend to take up your entire self. They make you believe that their thoughts, words and actions are yours and they are very, very convincing.

Over time, you forget the real you and you go deeper and deeper down that hole that ultimately leads to death or other terrible outcomes. When that happens, we blame ourselves and we feel guilty, ashamed and even extremely mad at ourselves for having done so much damage.

Maybe you have osteoporosis, maybe you cannot get pregnant, maybe you have problems with your teeth or even heart damage. The consequences of eating disorders are plenty and vary, but they are all horrible and lead to a lot of misery and pain.

It is easy then to fall into the trap of self-pity, self-loathing and think that it won’t matter now anyway to recover and to get out of this hellish state because you have already ruined your life, your body and your health.

While I understand these thoughts and have experienced them many times, it is crucial to distinguish between yourself, your actions and your choices and those that the eating disorder leads you to do. Nobody would willingly chose to hurt themselves as much as we do when we’re entangled with an eating disorder.

No healthy, rational thinking person would engage in all of these unhealthy, damaging actions that our eating disorders make us do. Nobody would ignore all the horrible threats eating disorders present if there wasn’t something else going on in our mind. Nobody would willingly lose all of their friends or the work that is their passion. Nobody would lie so easily as your eating disorder does.

No, whatever consequences you face today that were caused by your eating disorder, please keep reminding yourself that this wasn’t you.

When I went into treatment about a year ago and I continued to be forced by my eating disorder into abusing laxatives and working out despite the rules of the sanatorium, I lied and lied and lied about it without any trouble. I even believed my lies to a degree and I was completely fooled by that devilish voice inside my head.

I knew that I had already developed osteopenia (which later on turned out to be a false diagnostic), but I did not care about it because I was not in control. I was not the one with the wheel in her hand and I was not to blame.

When I gained a lot of pounds, reached a healthy weight and thought that my menstrual cycle would return, I was devastated to find that month after month, nothing happened. I cannot put into words the guilt I felt and still feel at times, the accusations I talked myself into, the pain I felt for my husband and the coming to terms that I did that, I caused this outcome.

But I was wrong. I hadn’t chosen to become sick, I hadn’t willingly said that I wanted to destroy my ability to have kids and I was not to blame. When I realized that, I was able to forgive myself and reached a place of serenity and inner calm.

That being said, this post is not an excuse for you to lean back, put your legs up and continue to let your eating disorder be the driving force in your life. No, not in the least. I still hope you fight and fight and fight some more in order to be free, healthy, happy and live the life that you deserve.

I didn’t write this post for you to feel good about continuing to engage in destructive habits and behaviors.

This is just a reminder that your eating disorder takes over and leads you into actions that aren’t yours, thoughts that don’t come from your healthy part of the brain and a feeling of not caring about life or death or any outcomes anymore. But wherever you are in your recovery journey, you can take back the wheel and you can milden the consequences to a degree.

By eating regularly and nutritiously, by not listening to your eating disorder voice and by regaining your territory step by step, you will get stronger physically and mentally and this will help you and your body to deal with whatever situation, whatever damage your eating disorder had caused. But if you stay in the destructive relationship with your eating disorder, this cannot happen and the entire situation will get even worse.

No, you are not to blame, but you have the power to get your life back and make the best out of every situation, no matter how long you have been tied to your eating disorder.

It takes time, patience and hard work, but it also takes the realization that you can forgive yourself and that you can and should blame it all on your eating disorder. Once you have come to this step, you will feel empowered to fight for your life and get the justice you deserve.

Your Eating Disorder is to Blame, not You! is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about a question a received from a listener: How do I dress in order to stop getting all those pitying looks. I had a hard time coming up with an answer because this is such a tricky question, but it made me think of the issue we have with cloths when we gain weight and how we can feel proud of the fact that we stand out in a crowed with our tiny bodies.

I am not implying that the girl who sent me an email feels this pride, but I am telling you honestly that I did. Even though I told everybody that I hated it when people stared at me, I secretly was pleased because I realized that my methods of damaging my body worked. Do a self-assessment and see if you feel this pride as well and then ask yourself if this is the sick part of yourself and if you want to do changes. I sure hope you do because you will only destroy yourself and your health by walking down that path even further.

I then go into sharing a few ways of how to deal with the initial weight gain and the fact that you will have to buy new cloths eventually. There are a few ways to go about it: hold on to your sick clothes, buy too big clothes or wear clothes that fit in the state you are in right now. It is easy to spot which one of those methods is the best and the one you should use if you are serious about recovery: wear clothes that fit right here and right now. Throw your sick clothes aways, you don’t need them anymore, right? Also, when you wear clothes that are way too big, you will reinforce your eating disorder and your thinking that the shape of your body is somehow not right.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!
Don’t forget to enter promo code FIGHTINGANOREXIA when you register.

034 Fighting Anorexia – Clothes and the Deathly Pride of looking Emaciated is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

This new book will explain The Language of Eating Disorders
Co-authors: June Alexander and Cate Sangster
Jessica Kingsley Publishers (UK). Release: Early 2013

Eating disorders are about much more than food. Anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder invade every aspect of a person’s thinking, sense of self, behavior and relationships. The impact goes beyond the person with the eating disorder (commonly referred to as ‘ED’) – to everyone in the family and friendship circle. Frequently, family and friends – and even health professionals – have great difficulty knowing the right words to say.

International author June Alexander (A Girl Called Tim, My Kid is Back, A Collaborative Approach to Eating Disorders) and fellow eating disorder survivor Cate Sangster are writing ED says U said to help unravel this language confusion.
Eating disorder thoughts play havoc with communication throughout the course of the illness:

• From the emergence of signs that something might be wrong;
• During diagnosis and treatment; and
• Through recovery.

Everybody involved can feel hurt, angry and exasperated at being misunderstood.

ED says U said will present dialogue snippets between eating disorder sufferers, their loved ones and healthcare providers – and explain how ED influences the interpretation.  Simple, well-intentioned conversation like “you are looking so well” can be wildly misunderstood in the mind of a person with an eating disorder– much to the dismay of the person who says it. ED says U said will break down the language barriers and offer suggestions on how to defuse and limit ED’s interference.

Examples of misunderstandings are invited from people who know best: those with experience. The authors seek examples of dialogue when the spoken word ‘is taken the wrong way’, triggering a communication breakdown. Each dialogue example should be limited to about 100 words. Submissions selected for inclusion in ED says U said will be published anonymously to maintain the privacy of all concerned.

Help ED says U said explain the language of eating disorders and facilitate recovery.

Email your contributions to: june@junealexander.com no later than March 30, 2012. For more information visit www.junealexander.com/2012/02/untwisting-eating-disorder-talk

Ever felt misunderstood? Share your experience in ED says U said is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

I have been feeling quite overwhelmed in the last few weeks. I have taken on a lot of work, have been blogging more than ever, trying to keep my inbox as clean as possible and preparing for a speech that I will have to give tomorrow.

All of this has resulted in some sleepless nights, feelings of anxiety and the fear that I won’t live up to everybody’s expectations. After all, I want to make my employers and my readers as happy as possible, right? I want to answer your emails as thoughtfully and as detailed as I can and I don’t want you to wait too long for my response. I want to give an amazing speech about all the possibilities and help that Internet forums can offer those who are affected by an eating disorder. I want to do research, rehearse my speech over and over again until I know it by heart. I want to write brilliant blog posts drafting them carefully and going over them repeatedly in order to see if the flow is just like I want it to be.

But at the same time, I only  have so many hours in the day and even though I’d like to change that fact, I can’t. I know that people are probably much more forgiving than I give them credit for and that they won’t put as much thought as I do into the fact that they wait a week or two for my reply.

Yet, despite me trying to rationalize these thoughts, I still have this overpowering feeling of constant failure, of not doing and being enough and of disappointing everybody around me.

What does this have to do with recovery? Well, I think that we often put way too much pressure on ourselves during our way too health. We need to heal fast, without hiccups, going strong from the very first day until we have arrived at the ultimate goal. Our family and loved ones expect us to let go of our destructive behaviors immediately and they expect our minds to stop being under the influence of Ed.

So, we pressure ourselves into pretending that we’re doing better than we actually are and we continue to play a role. This can add up to immense feelings of anxiety and doesn’t do anything but harm our recovery.

Believe me when I tell you that I have been there. For months into my recovery, I wasn’t able to leave my abuse of laxatives behind, nor did I make a lot of changes when it came to nutrition. But I lied about it. I lied to my husband, I lied to my parents and I lied to my therapists. What was the result? I felt horrible and helpless and I believed that I would never be able to recover and live a happy and healthy life. I thought that freedom was a state reserved for others, those who were stronger and better people altogether.

I bawled my eyes out for weeks and months despising myself and feeling like this was a mountain too big to climb for tiny little Anne-Sophie. When I decided to leave the program at the treatment facility, I was faced with the fact that I hadn’t really made much progress. I thought a lot about how to move on from here. Would I give up and continue on the way towards my grave or would I work harder on myself and fight for my life?

I went back and forth in my head, feeling too weak to make changes, too exhausted to fight even more, but at the same my longing for mental freedom was not diminished. I wanted out even if I had to make uncomfortable, drastic changes in my life and my body, even if I’d have to give up everything I ever knew, even if it meant to walk into a completely new and scary direction.

The first turn I took was to tell my therapist and then my husband the truth for the very first time. It was a painful step to take, I am not going to lie. I felt uneasy and hesitated quite a bit. However, the relief that washed over me was more than I could have hoped for and it took away a lot of pressure.

For the very first time I realized that I didn’t have to be perfect, that my recovery did not have to be smooth, that it was more than OK to be weak and to fall back into old habits.

As long as I tried, did my best and was serious about recovery, I was moving in the right direction. Nobody expected me to check into a treatment facility, eat and come back home after 3 months completely healthy and ready to attack life in ways that I have never been able to do before.

All these expectations came from myself. Had I been perfectly honest with those who cheered for me form the very beginning, they’d have known how hard it is and I wouldn’t have felt so alone and so completely overwhelmed and hopeless. However, by pretending I was doing great, their expectations were altered. Once I stopped doing that, they had a better idea of what they were dealing with and we could work on my recovery together.

I would lie if I told you that the feelings of being overwhelmed completely vanished. But they were drastically reduced because I knew I was not fighting alone anymore.

Recovery is rocky and there will be many ups and downs along the way. By keeping vital information from your loved ones and by lying to them, you will put even more unnecessary pressure on yourself on this already so difficult path. Be open, be real, be authentic. Talk to your loved ones regularly, explain what it feels like to be at this stage in recovery, be honest about setbacks and never be ashamed.

Regaining your life often takes a team effort and teams only function with trust, honesty and openness.

How to Deal with other’s Expectations in Recovery is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about possible reasons for developing an eating disorder. Though the exact cause is unknown, it is believed to be due to a combination of biological, psychological and/or environmental abnormalities. There are biological and psychological factors that play a role in the early stages of developing an eating disorder.

Biological

Genetic: Numerous studies have been undertaken that show a possible genetic predisposition toward eating disorders as a result of Mendelian inheritance.

Psychological

Personality traits

There are various childhood personality traits associated with the development of eating disorders.^[86] During adolescence these traits may become intensified due to a variety of physiological and cultural influences such as the hormonal changes associated with puberty, stress related to the approaching demands of maturity and socio-cultural influences and perceived expectations, especially in areas that concern body image. Many personality traits have a genetic component and are highly heritable. Maladaptive levels of certain traits may be acquired as a result of anoxic or traumatic brain injury, neurodegenerative diseases such as Parkinson’s disease, neurotoxicity such as lead exposure, bacterial infection such as Lyme disease or viral infection such as Toxoplasma gondii as well as hormonal influences. While studies are still continuing via the use of various imaging techniques such as fMRI; these traits have been shown to originate in various regions of the brain^[87] such as the amygdala^[88][89] and the prefrontal cortex^[90] Disorders in the prefrontal cortex and the executive functioning system have been shown to affect eating behavior.^[91][92]

Environmental

Child maltreatment

Child abuse which encompasses physical, psychological and sexual abuse, as well as neglect has been shown by innumerable studies to be a precipitating factor in a wide variety of psychiatric disorders, including eating disorders. Children who are subjected to abuse may develop a disordered eating in an effort to gain some sense of control or for a sense of comfort. Or they may be in an environment where the diet is unhealthy or insufficient. Child abuse and neglect can cause profound changes in both the physiological structure and the neurochemistry of the developing brain. Children who, as wards of the state, were placed in orphanages or foster homes are especially susceptible to developing a disordered eating pattern. In a study done in New Zealand 25% of the study subjects in foster care exhibited an eating disorder (Tarren-Sweeney M. 2006). An unstable home environment is detrimental to the emotional well-being of children, even in the absence of blatant abuse or neglect the stress of an unstable home can contribute to the development of an eating disorder.^{[93][94][95][96][97][98][99][100][101]}

Social isolation

Social isolation has been shown to have a deleterious effect on an individuals’ physical and emotional well-being. Those that are socially isolated have a higher mortality rate in general as compared to individuals that have established social relationships. This effect on mortality is markedly increased in those with pre-existing medical or psychiatric conditions, and has been especially noted in cases of coronary heart disease. “The magnitude of risk associated with social isolation is comparable with that of cigarette smoking and other major biomedical andpsychosocial risk factors.” (Brummett et al.)

Social isolation can be inherently stressful, depressing and anxiety provoking. In an attempt to ameliorate these distressful feelings an individual may engage in emotional eating in which food serves as a source of comfort. The loneliness of social isolation and the inherent stressors thus associated have been implicated as triggering factors in binge eating as well.^{[102][103][104][105]}

Parental influence

Parental influence has been shown to be an intrinsic component in developing the eating behaviors of children. This influence is manifested and shaped by a variety of diverse factors such as familial genetic predisposition, dietary choices as dictated by cultural or ethnic preferences, the parents’ own body shape and eating patterns, the degree of involvement and expectations of their children’s eating behavior as well as the interpersonal relationship of parent and child. This is in addition to the general psychosocial climate of the home and the presence or absence of a nurturing stable environment. It has been shown that maladaptive parental behavior has an important role in the development of eating disorders. As to the more subtle aspects of parental influence it has been shown that eating patterns are established in early childhood and that children should be allowed to decide when their appetite is satisfied as early as the age of two. A direct link has been shown between obesity and parental pressure to eat more.

Coercive tactics in regard to diet have not been proven to be efficacious in controlling a child’s eating behavior. Affection and attention have been shown to affect the degree of a childs’ finickiness and their acceptance of a more varied diet.^{[106][107][108][109][110][111]}

Peer pressure

In various studies such as one conducted by The McKnight Investigators, peer pressure was shown to be a significant contributor to body image concerns and attitudes toward eating among subjects in their teens and early twenties.

Eleanor Mackey and co-author, Annette M. La Greca of the University of Miami, studied 236 teen girls from public high schools in southeast Florida. “Teen girls’ concerns about their own weight, about how they appear to others and their perceptions that their peers want them to be thin are significantly related to weight-control behavior,” says psychologist Eleanor Mackey of the Children’s National Medical Center in Washington and lead author of the study. “Those are really important.”

According to one study, 40% of 9- and 10-year-old girls are already trying to lose weight.^[112] Such dieting is reported to being influenced by peer behavior, with many of those individuals on a diet reporting that their friends also were dieting. The number of friends dieting and the number of friends who pressured them to diet also played a significant role in their own choices.^{[113][114][115][116]}

Cultural pressure

There is a cultural emphasis on thinness which is especially pervasive in western society. There is an unrealistic stereotype of what constitutes beauty and the ideal body type as portrayed by the media, fashion and entertainment industries. “The cultural pressure on men and women to be “[perfect]” is an important predisposing factor for the development of eating disorders” (Prof. Bryan Lask).^[117][118] Eating disorders are becoming more prevalent in non Western countries where thinness is not seen as the ideal, showing that social and cultural pressures are not the only causes of eating disorders. ^[119]

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!
Don’t forget to enter promo code FIGHTINGANOREXIA when you register.

033 Fighting Anorexia – Understanding your Eating Disorder is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

The month of February was all about Pro Recovery for me and 11 other bloggers in the eating disorder and body image field. We made it our mission to spread motivational messages, hope and compelling reasons for taking on the hard struggle of recovery all over the web.

The turnout has been more than great and I would like to thank everybody who participated and helped to show that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark your days are right now.

I will create an eBook in the next weeks including all the blog posts in order to give you an entire book of motivation and inspiration that you can read whenever you feel like the world is going to end and you cannot take another step towards health and freedom.

However, if you cannot wait so long, I have put together all the links to the websites of those you were on board, together with the golden nuggets of their message.

The Let’s Recovery Together team kicked the project off with this post.

Abby decided to contribute her thoughts too and you can read the entire post here.

Next up was Matt Wetsel.

Susa stepped up and wrote about her struggle with anorexia for the very first time!

Jessica shared her thoughts on why recovery is still worth it.

Then it was Sia Jane’s turn to share her amazing message.

Tracey shared what she gained from recovery.

Then it was my turn to share my homage to recovery.

Arielle posted her invaluable thoughts on recovery here.

Then it was Benjamin’s turn to shared his insight on recovery.

Becky shared her unique perspective as a parent of an eating disorder sufferer.

Last but certainly not least, it was Mare you wrote about recovery.

As you can see, recovery has many shapes and forms and looks different for every single person. But there is one message that weaved itself through every article: everybody has gained from being in recovery. Not one single blogger expressed regret for having recovered, but everybody has found themselves and their true path by fighting against their eating disorder.

This can happen to you too. As we all said, it isn’t easy and it exhausts you to the  point where you feel like you cannot go on, but it is worth it. If you don’t take anything away from all of those message but the fact that there is a life after your eating disorder and this life is worth fighting for, then you have already made huge steps in the right direction.

Keep Fighting!

12 Views on Recovery that you should read today is a post from: Fighting Anorexia

In this episode of Fighting Anorexia, I talk about a topic that is extremely important in eating disorder recovery: exercise. Overexercising is very common when you have an eating disorder and it can destroy your body and your life.

I share with you my story of overexercising and give you tips and tricks of how to stop this addiction.

Even when you are in recovery, exercise is a constant subject and needs to be handled carefully. You should ask yourself if you only exercise because you want to burn calories or because you actually like it.

Why don´t you replace your destructive forms of working out with dancing or yoga? In recovery you can learn to have fun while working out again by finding a balance and by doing only what you truly enjoy.

Exercise is not a means to lose weight, you have to change your mindset slowly. It is a way of improving your life, but only if you do it moderately.

If you would like to leave me some feedback, you can mail it to feedback@fightinganorexia.com

You can follow me on twitter: @anneso87

Thanks For Subscribing To The Fighting Anorexia Podcast:
Note: My podcasts are now also available on Stitcher!

032 Fighting Anorexia – Exercise is a post from: Fighting Anorexia