Day One: Confusion

by Anne-Sophie

in Blog

Today was an extremely uneventful day, except for the fact that I had to step on the scale. That was all. I spent my day  in my room despite the georgous weather. I don`t know if I am allowed to leave the area and go for a walk. I am quite confused because the doctor tells me one thing, the nurses tell me the opposite. Who (or is it “whom”?) do I believe?First, they tell me that I can leave the compound as often as I want and that I should even go home on the weekend.
Then, this morning, the doctor told me that I was not even allowed to leave the compound and that I could not go home, no matter my state of mind.
The problem is that I am so shy and insecure that I just cannot ask what to do now. I am such a coward, but when I stand in front of them, I just cannot get the words out. So, I will have to wait and see.

I lost 8 pounds since I was weighed the last time and now only have a BMI of 15. My weight was 36.8 kilograms. I was shocked and still am. I NEVER, not in a million years, would have thought that I was THAT skinny and I cannot begin to imagine how little I must have weighed 3 months ago, when I stopped functioning.
If my BMI drops below 15, I will not be allowed to go home on the weekends, leave the compound or participate in physical therapy and I will, of course, have to stay much longer.
Despite knowing these facts, I am almost going crazy because I ate 3 meals today and I cannot work out. I am terrified of what the scale will say tomorrow morning. I am not sure how I will be able to deal with the shame should I gain a tiny bit of weight. I do not know how I would be able to look my doctor in the eye.I hope the time of diagnosis will be over soon. I really need them to start my therapeutic program.


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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

FredFromLongIsland March 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I wish you all the best! See this as recovery time. Indulge yourself at any opportunity. Of course you will have to deal with the issues that brought you here, but if you look for those opportunities to energize yourself (as in the view out your window, I guess) that will help a lot.

Praying for you! :-)


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