On Monday, I closed a second chapter: I cleared my locker in my old gym, a place where I had spent 3-4 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week for months.
I had postponed this task again and again, always finding an excuse in order to not having to face that situation.
When I walked into my gym (accompanied by my husband), I had ambivalent feelings.
On the one hand, a part of me felt melancholic and yearned for the „good old times“ (although, those times weren’t good at all). This place felt like home to me for such a long time and it had become part of my identity. I have to admit that I was quite tempted to put on my gym cloths and go upstairs for just one final workout (as if this would have been it…). Walking to my locker seeing familiar faces, hearing familiar voices, part of me felt lost and was mad that I had given up this place. I rush of memories and feelings came back to me, including the way I felt before my workouts and the way I felt afterwards.
And it was here that the other, more rational part of me took over. Despite feeling happy, proud and strong after my workouts, I remembered the terror, the pressure and the burden I felt before my workouts. I remembered how I entered the locker room so many times, hardly able to walk, feeling dizzy and weak and not knowing how in the world I could make it through my workout. I thought of how much time I had wasted on the treadmill, on the elliptical on those bikes etc. I remembered almost crying, feeling like I was about to get sick because of the enormous task ahead of me. Why did I torment myself in this dimension?
I do not miss these side effects of my disorder and I hope that the healthy part of myself will kick in and take over more and more space of my brain, helping me find a balanced way of exercising.
On the way down in the elevator, my bag of workout cloths in hand, I felt a huge sense of relief; relief that I had finally been able to overcome my fears, relief that I had closed yet another door.
I am a world traveler, an anorexia survivor, podcaster, blogger, digital entrepreneur, speaker, wive, lover of books, aspiring yogi and social media enthusiast. I have made it my mission to help those who suffer from anorexia. Together we can and will fight this mental disease!
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Anne-Sophie has written 238 awesome articles.
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