Today was a rather quiet day. I had been quite stressed in the last few days and I had been feeling uneasy and sick because of some things that are happening between a friend and myself. Tuesday was an especially bad day where I just felt abandoned and unwanted and, to be quite frank, treated unfairly. This has made a huge impact on my diet. I skipped dinner 3 nights in a row. I just couldn’t eat larger amounts of food.
Whether this may be a human reaction to circumstances in life or not, I know that I have to be especially careful and cautious. So, I decided to take it easy for a day, catch up on Fringe and do some wellness for the soul in order to get back on track, both mentally and physically.
I worked on a few guest posts and wrote down a few examples for misunderstandings between those affected by an eating disorder and their loved ones, but mostly I was just resting.
A few months ago, I would have labeled such a day as unacceptable and would have had a major bad conscience. Taking a day off in the middle of the week while trying to build a business sounds nothing short of crazy, right? Yes, it does.
But you know what? I don’t care how it sounds, I only care about my health and I have learned that this has to be my priority, at all times. Yes, being successful is great. Yes, being prolific is amazing. But nothing trumps the security of being stable in recovery.
We can slip so easily. A few missed dinners turn into a habit of skipping them altogether again. A few more minutes of working out here and there will turn into another compulsion. All of that combined will get me back on the road towards anorexia in no time.
Knowing that, having that awareness is crucial. It takes both this awareness and an intense feeling of being in tune with yourself in order to have strong pillars on which you can build your recovered life.
In the first few years after you make significant changes in your lifestyle, it is easy to slip back into destructive habits. One confrontation with your boss, a broken heart, problems with your family or financial struggles can easily be used by your eating disorder to allure you back into its loving arms.
It takes your mind off the real problem. It gives you an agenda and a clear, achievable goal. It is something you can control and can see success. At least that is what it makes you think. In reality though, going back to your disordered eating is only going to create more problems and will lead you right back into the hellish cycle of a bad relationship.
Knowing that, I decided to intervene right away without letting myself slip back further.
So what if other people think I am lazy? So what if other people may think it is unacceptable? So freaking what?
We are in a unique position. We fight more fights every single day than most people will ever in their lives. We are warriors and we are fighting for nothing less than our lives. So, let other people think whatever they want to think. We know exactly what is right for us. We have to be careful with our minds. We have to take care of us more than others do. And doing that shows extremem strength and determination.
After all, what greater determination is there than wanting to live?
So, take that day off. Treat yourself to something nice. Get away from your routine. Let work be work and just leave it be for a day. Recharge. Get some inspiration. Get a new sense for your recovery. Reenergize. And then live.
That’s what I did today and you know what? I feel awesome.