As a kid, I hated to be in trouble. I remember how often I started to cry whenever I was caught doing something I knew I shouldn’t have done.
Like the time that my girlfriends and I were caught in the school’s bathroom during a breakfast break by our principal who was anything but pleasant as it were. The rule was to go outside and stay there until the break was over. I hated that rule for two reasons:
First, I hated rules in general because following rules meant to subject to somebody else’s will and that reminded me of my brother’s sick way to rule our entire family.
Secondly, my brother used to beat me up during those breaks, which was not really my most favorite way to spend my breakfast break.
However, getting in trouble was even worse than that. The feeling of shame that used to wash over my entire body like a huge tidal wave was almost unbearable. It made me feel vulnerable, small, unsafe and utterly worthless; a feeling close to how anorexia would later make me feel on a daily basis.
What anorexia refrains from telling you is the fact that it itself is the biggest cause for trouble you’ll ever experience. Sure, at the beginning, it may look like the answer to all of your problems and it’ll feel like a big relief, but rather quickly the problems and troubles caused by this disorder will far outweigh all of the initial advantages.
So, yes, anorexia means trouble with a capital T in many ways: health problems, lies, relationship issues, the crushing of your self-worth, false hopes and values, a lack of life experiences, regrets, theft, money worries and ultimately death.
Anorexia makes you feels safe, superior and great – at the beginning, but it eats at your soul, your brain (yup, you do get dumber the longer you’re anorexic) and your life.
That eating disorder really is a sneaky little bastard, right?