Am I about to lose my identity?

by Anne-Sophie

in Blog

So, I had the 2nd conversation with my doctor on Thursday and it turned out the way that I had guessed it. She told me that the results of my peripheral quantitative computed tomography were not good at all. I have osteoporosis. And while I already knew the diagnosis, I didn`t know how severe it really was. It still has not sunk in that I damaged my body in such a way. She told me to change my lifestyle immediately, otherwise this would not end in a good way. And time is running out.
I was introduced to the program of the clinic here in Zürich (alternatively, I could go to a clinic a bit outside of the city; we`ll see), the expectations, the rules, the types of therapies they offer etc. She could not tell me how long the waiting list is, but usually it takes about 1 to 4 weeks until one gets a spot. 
Consequently, I will stop out of university for a while and concentrate on getting healthy. I just wish I had fixed dates yet. Right now, I feel like I am on tenterhooks.
The more she said, the sicker I felt. Don`t get me wrong: I want to do this, I have to do this. But it will be hard.
I am scared that I won`t make it. I am scared of all the changes, of letting go, of not being in constant control anymore. I am terrified of gaining weight.
Being skinny is how I defined myself for most of my life. So, who will I be when I am not the skinny, sick girl anymore? Will I be anyone at all? What will I do? How will people react to me, look at me? Who will they think that I am?
Who will I think I am? What will I think of myself? I am worried about not being able to handle the change.
I don`t want to disappoint everybody who has always waited for me to be healthy and is having enormous expectations right now. What if I can`t fulfill them?

I am worried about not being ENOUGH!

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Lea March 8, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Hugs! It's amazing to me how we can be on opposite ends of the weight spectrum yet our struggles are the same.

Being overweight is how I've defined myself. I worry about who I will be when I'm not the fat one! How will people react to me?

I think we all worry about not being enough!

I'm finding as I take this journey, that I have to let go! I have to give it up to God! 1 Peter 5:7 says "cast all your cares on God for He cares for you!" Sometimes I have to do this minute by minute! I constantly tell myself that God made me & I know He wants me to be healthy. I've got to allow myself to get healthy even if I'm scared.

You can do this! I'm praying for you as are lots of your friends. Just focus on God & who He is & who you are (His child!) and you will make it through!

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