2 months…

by Anne-Sophie

in Blog


It has been almost 2 months since my scream for help, since I have realized that I was on a very, very dangerous path.

Upfront I have to say that I FEEL FAT. I KNOW I am NOT FAT, but I feel fat every single second of the day. I don’t want to eat, but I do. I force myself to eat as regularly as possible and I am constantly gaining weight. Step by step. I will not give up.

I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. If I do, I feel like crying. I hate that I am this way, I hate that my brain does this to me; especially since I am not a person who cares about appearances.

Every part of my body hurts. I know that it is all in my head, but it still feels very, very real.

I have not worked out in a long, long time and it is ok. I don’t miss it right now. I stopped cold-turkey, so to speak. I hope that the joy that I once felt and the excitement about working out and exercising will come back eventually.

I have been trying to get psychological help for 2 months now, but it is almost impossible to get help. Isn’t this just RIDICULOUS? You’d think that somebody who is literally screaming for help would find professionals who are willing to do so, but it feels almost impossible. I now have an appointment at the Universitätsklinik Zürich on February 17th, but I am not sure that it will take place since appointments have been canceled, rescheduled and postponed by the doctors for several reasons already…

It seems like the only people one can count on is family and friends. My family, especially my husband, has been awesome in encouraging me, listening to me complain and wail about the way I feel and look, holding me and drying my tears over and over again.

I have also gotten a lot of help from my friends [you know who you are, thank you so much] providing me with fantastic information about all kinds of different methods used to heal anorexia, research on the subject of eating disorders, personal experience and advice.

I couldn’t do it without you; not one single day.

I will not give up, I just wish that I could wake up just once and feel OK, not, well, fat…

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy February 6, 2011 at 9:36 pm

One day you will be able to do that Anne! I know you will!! Sounds like you are doing all the right things and putting one foot in front of the other every day to get yourself well. I am praying for you & for God to help guide you through everything you are doing to help yourself! Love you!!!!!
Amy Wright @QueenAmy83

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Geoff February 6, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Praying for you. Know that God is in control and I pray He brings the right professional guidance and help along soon.

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Joyfulmom February 6, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Anne,
Hugs!! I'm so proud of you! I know this road is long & tough, but you will succeed! Just keep clinging to God & persevering! I will continuing praying that you get the help you desire! You are stronger than you know! Email or message me if you need me!! Love ya Hon!!

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Andreas Reinhardt February 7, 2011 at 7:31 am

Sometimes happiness is a gift – but mostly it will be conquered. The magic moment of a day helps us to make a difference, can leave us to realize our dreams. We will suffer are difficult times through, will experience many disappointments – but all this is over, and leaves no traces. And later we can look back proudly and confidently.

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Spicedogs February 7, 2011 at 5:12 pm

The biggest part of the battle is facing the illness head on. You are doing that already. I can't believe that your counselor canceled on you this often. Were you able to get in contact with the university my friend worked in?

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Anne (aka. anneso87) February 7, 2011 at 10:58 pm

thank you everybody for your encouraging words and prayers (your words have a very special place in my heart, Andreas!).

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Anne (aka. anneso87) February 7, 2011 at 11:01 pm

I haven't had the chance to contat the university yet, but I hope to find the time tomorrow. Yes, I find it absolutley unjustifiable to cancel appointments as important as this one over and over again, but I am praying that it will work out next week.

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Anne (aka. anneso87) February 7, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Thank you so much for your prayers, Amy, Geoff and Lea!!!

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Cliff February 9, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I continue to remember you in my prayers Anne. Stephanie and I ordered you a book that has really inspired Stephanie. In fact, we interviewed the author of the book here:
http://gspn.tv/146-family-from-the-heart-candace-cameron-bure-interview/

It appears that we may not get the book until we get back from our cruise. As soon as we get back, we'll send it out to you. Would you send me your address in an email?

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